GONER

8 • Water Bottle Projectiles and Football Games

When I got home, I contemplated many things. Talking to my mother, taking a shower, and texting Josh. I only did the last two, eventually.

It took me all the way until nine to even consider talking to Josh. It was an intense mental battle, I'm telling you. Because what if he didn't want to talk to me? What if he was just thinking of me as someone that needed friends, and that's why he spoke to me? It's hard to believe that anyone could actually like me for anything real. There's no reason to like the anxious, awkward, weird guy. No reason at all. The suspicion and fear, naturally, crippled me. It was so bad that I was in the shower crying.

My chest had this unbelievably tight feeling lodged in the middle of it, restricting my breathing greatly. Along with that, my legs were shaking and my stomach felt queezy and naseous, and I prayed that I wasn't going to progress anymore in this freak out. But I was just so worried. How could anyone like me, talk to me, or even look at me when I couldn't face myself? I was getting better at self-acceptance, or so I thought, but I can feel that taste of self-loathing returning, and I was terrified.

~~~

It took a couple minutes for me to compose my message last night. I was staring at my screen for almost half an hour, pondering and pacing and thinking and wondering. What was an appropriate text? What was the texting format? Who knew? Eventually, though, I settled on something simple, yet effective. A million doubts still ran through my cluttered brain, but I just pushed them away and hit send before I could panic anymore.

Tyler: Hey, it's Tyler :) now we have each other's numbers.

He answered me a short time later. It made me feel a little better.

Josh :)) : HEY, TYLER. Omg I didn't think you were going to text me. But I'm glad you did.

Thats basically how that went. It was nice talking to him because he was great, but I didn't know if it was going to be awkward now that we had talked outside of school. But here I was, at my locker, switching out things that didn't really need to be switched out. Though, I did it anyway. It kept me distracted, and kept everything at bay.

"So, there's a football game tonight," Josh said perkily, still smelling like smoke. But he was also enveloped in the scent of soap, and so I knew he had showered since yesterday afternoon. "And I was wondering if you wanted to go. You could meet two of my other friends. Well, they're not friends as much as they are my closest associates."

"Do I count as a friend?" I asked jokingly, but he nodded.

"Of course you do," he smiled. "But these people are more like my occasional friends. Wow, that sounded horrible. But, they're all fine with the fact that neither of the three of us talk much."

"But, God, Josh. A social event?" Another joke that he didn't know I meant that seriously. Truth be told, I didn't like people or events during which you were forced to mingle or talk. They made me nervous, both the events and the people, and I didn't want to go. At all.

"It'll be fun," he said, gripping onto my forearm. It took everything in me not flinch away from him. It was just a reflex anyway. There was nothing there, besides faded lines. And I didn't want anything there. Definetly not. "Tyler, please. It's a school football game."

"Oh my god. Okay." I said, sighing.

All day, I worried painfully about the things that were to come. The screaming, the shouting, the watching of people running franticly at each other. It was all bound to be overwhelming, and I didn't know if I could deal with it. But taking deep breaths should cover it, right?

Currently, we were at lunch. This is where most of anything takes place. Dennis and his group of apes sit in the middle of the cafeteria, not the center, but not anything less. Most of them were cute and tall, and so I knew why most of them tended to get a lot of attention.