GONER

37 • How To Exist In A Mall During The Holidays

A/N: hi.

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Seeing Josh made something like a heater turn on inside of my chest, and it snuck through my body like water in the cracks of a boat. And that's what I felt like. The boat. The boat that could very well be rescued from its captors, the captors being the sea, or it could get lost. But Josh and I had a lot to do and a lot to accomplish and a lot to get over, and denying that would be ludicrous of the both of us.

Currently, the two of us were talking about his Uncle Sean, and you'd think the entire subject would feel like a bruise, sore to the touch, and disclored. Uncomfortable. But, it wasn't. He just kissed the side of my head and told me to ask him anything, and that was that.

"I don't really have nightmares as much as I have things that randomly remind me of him, you know?" He explained, answering my question about how he sleeps. "Like, he used to give me these little gifts to try and persuade me not to say anything about what was happening between the two of us, and I remember he gave me this necklace one time, and I don't wear necklaces anymore because of that. It's dumb, but, you know-"

"It's not dumb," I whispered, looking up at him. "I understand."

He smiled, threading his fingers in my hair. "That's good, because I don't ever have the patience to explain much to anyone about it. It's good they never ask."

I sighed quietly, fiddling with my fingers, and trying to refrain from pushing my nails into my forearm again. I'm not going to tell you that cutting hasn't crossed my mind, because there's not a day that's gone by where the feeling of it doesn't stain my thoughts and taint my judgements, but it's okay. It has to be.

"Wait," I stopped. "Is he in jail?"

"Sean? Nah," he answered. "I don't know where he is, but, I know that my brothers almost decapitated him, and that I've never seen someone use a baseball bat so skillfully. Jordan tore him up." He laughed, shaking his head.

"That's good," I smiled silently, kissing his jaw again.

"Don't do that," he whined. "How many times am I going to have to tell you that, Ty?"

I shrugged. "As many times as you want."

~~~

At some point, Jordan and Oskar wanted Josh outside for some unknown reason, and that forced me to venture downstairs by myself. I wasn't actually bothered by him talking to his brothers, because I really liked his mom. She was a nice person, really, very sweet, and I think she liked me, too.

But, I didn't expect to come down the stairs, and have her fling her arms around me. Surprise hit me like a punch to the chest, and I hoped she didn't think I was rude for my hesitance. In all honesty, Josh was the only one who hugged me on an every day basis, and it felt strange to have someone else's arms around me.

Despite that, warmth flooded my body almost automatically, and I clung to her, too, curiousity and adoration for this family flooding through my body. I didn't want to be the one to pull away first, and neither did she, because she just spoke into my shoulder.

"I will never be able to explain to you how thankful I am for what you've done for Josh," she breathed in that stolen and hushed way. My heart swelled with appreciation, and I bit at my lip. "You don't understand how much you've helped him. He saw absolutely nothing decent about the world until you showed up, Tyler. You know that?"

I didn't know that, actually, but that just made me feel better about the two of us. Because, God, I'm in love with Josh.

"I'm glad I was able to contribute," I replied quietly. "I do love your son, and all."

At that, she pulled back, and I felt that sinking feeling in your stomach where you're sure you just completely screwed up, but she smiled, and the feeling was gone again. "You should tell him that," she nodded. "You mean so much to him. The boys and I learned everything about you before we even met you, because he never stopped talking about you. It blew my mind with how long he could go on about Tyler Joseph," she laughed, and I found myself laughing, too. This entire thing was like getting freezing cold water poured on you, and then receiving heated towels. It was a shock, but a good one. A great one.

"And, you can't tell Josh, but his dad is coming home for Christmas this year."

I knew Josh's dad was in the army, and that he was going to be ecstatic to have him back. From what I've heard about him, he's a strong and stern and accepting man, who understood and listened and respected. He sounds like what a father should be, and I only knew that because of the way Josh spoke about him.

That's when it struck me. Christmas was incredibly close already, not even a weak away, and I tried to push down my light panic. I didn't have a gift for Josh, and I needed to go and get one incredibly soon. As in, as soon as I got home and gained the advantage of my mom's car.

"Really?" I exclaimed. "That's amazing, he's gonna be so happy."

"I know," she gushed, clapping her hands. "I've got one more question for you, though, while I'm at it." She continued, the excitement visible on her face. I tried to hide my anxiety behind my face, and nodded, grinning back at her. "Would you like to join us for Christmas?"

~~~

Look, Christmas was something of a foreign concept to me. If anything, it felt like some sort of myth, seeing as we never did much after my dad left, and so, all Christmas celebrations never took place, and never rose to their full potential. My mom could have made it as nice as possible for just the two of us, but she was too distracted by the regret surrounding her, that she couldn't.

I tried not to dwell on that, though, and instead on what I was going to get for Josh. I didn't have many choices here, and the mall was closing soon. You'd think it would stay open much longer during the holiday season, but, apparently not.

Another thing I've never had to do, was buy someone a present. Not someone that actually mattered to me enough to spend significant amounts of money, and so this was new to me, too. I didn't know what to look for, but I felt like I knew Josh well, and, eventually, wandered into a music store.

He had always expressed his love for vinyl, and his longing for some, seeing as he didn't have any, because they were, as he says, infinitely too expensive for commoners. Thankfully, I managed to get around $150 dollars from my guilty mom, and had money to spend at the moment. Besides, I'd probably give up every penny I had for him, if it came down to it. How could I not?

The record store was full of employees chewing gum and texting, and no customers. Usually, when people think of Christmas, they don't rush out to buy cheap CD's, but that's not what I was looking for. I scrolled directly past those, and started searching through the vinyl bins. My hope was suffocating and blinding and heartbreaking, and I looked for The Killers as desperately as humanly possible. Shot At The Night was a single of theirs, but I knew it was on a compilation album, and I silently prayed it was going to be here.

And, by some miracle I'll never actually understand, it was, and I was holding Direct Hits from The Killers in my hand, and I knew that this is what he was going to want. Record player or not, he'd understand what I was saying to him, and I wanted him to be able to appreciate it.

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A/N: ALL WE'VE GOT IS CHAPTER 38-40 PLEASE HELP ME

Hope this was okay :-) next chapter will be much longer jfc. Bring tissues. You shouldn't cry from sadness, but from pure, undeniable, unbearable emotion. {{Just kidding!!! I don't want you guys to cry at all!!!}}

Excuse any mistakes, if you don't mind.