GONER

35 • Hide and Seek Pt. 2

A/N: Hello, hello. I wrote this chapter hungover. Five chapters to go. I've cried about the ending of this book numerous times in the last week.

So chapter 36 night not be here for a few days, because it's ridiculously important and heartfelt and shit, okay? And the only reason I update practically everyday is because I have nothing else to do.

I'll edit later yay c:

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The thought of love kept resurfacing in my head over and over for the next two weeks, and I honestly felt like I was going to explode with fear. There's nothing more terrifying than coming to terms with your feelings for someone, and I wanted to know if it was too soon to fall in love. I don't think there was a choice now, or a way around any of this, and I didn't want to scream it from the rooftops as much as I wanted to scream it to Josh.

Because (according to what I wanted to believe), he was still here. He was here for me, and trying to help, and maybe he was just playing a more significant part in the ruin of my life, and I was having an issue, but so was he. It wasn't fair of me to think about just myself in this situation, and that's what I've been doing.

It's like the two of us were in a play, and the play was centered around the complete and utter destruction of my life, and he was the main character without even meaning to be. And he talks about being something with bad intentions, but he isn't when it comes to me. He's sweet. He's sweet and brilliant and absolutely radiant, and I don't think I'll ever have a chance to take back anything he's ever contributed to my life. And I don't want to take any of it back.

That's the most frustrating part. I was sitting on my couch again, in nothing but sweatpants, and I had a water bottle in my hand, and I was trying to realize what I wanted. Because, was I lying when I expressed my desire for sex? Absolutely not. But was I terrified of admitting the fact that I might be in love with him? Oh my god, yes. I didn't even know what love was, and I couldn't handle this. I'm not saying I wasn't scared to have sex with him, because I was beyond terrified of that, but discovering my emotions was somehow worse.

I just didn't feel cut out for this. Was I strong enough for this? Because love, and decent feelings aren't my forte, and I wasn't going to sit here and act like it was. I didn't even know how to feel about my own mother, and if I should love anyone, it would be her.

Her and I were supposed to spend the day together tomorrow, because she's letting me take another day off of school. It was Sunday, and I haven't been to school all week. It's been three weeks since I've last seen Josh, even when I went to school, and I missed him like the ocean missed it's fish. It's just that I felt so at home with him, and now that he was away, it felt like I was, too.

I sighed deeply, the feeling producing a deep ache in my lungs. It felt like there was knives in the both of them, so that they were punctured, and on the verge of collapsing, but they just wouldn't. I really, really wish they would, honestly. I didn't want to have to deal with this anymore, and I didn't know how long I was entitled to drowning, and choking, before I actually drowned, and I actually choked. 

The TV was on, but muted, and I watched some terrible reality show play out. I tried to focus on the makeup, and the blurring of mouths when a curse word was used, and I couldn't believe how much I wanted to be with Josh right now. God, the time that I've known him has felt like an eternity. A lifetime. But, adding it up, it's been around four months, and my body was so drained from all of it.