GONER

24 • Cafeteria Collapse and Notes Suicide

A/N: I feel like you guys should know what I look like, but at the same time, I'n here to write crappy stories. And my face is like some sort of baboon vomit.

Also, the entire point of keeping everything with Josh on the down low for such a short amount of time ((it's been at least a month tho so)) is because Tyler was meant to know about that for over half of the story.

I hope your Halloween was beyond sick :-)) I watched The Human Centipede and I hate my life because of it :-)))

***

My hands shook all morning. Literally all morning. So much that I had to grip the hem of my shirt to keep them steady, and continuously wipe my palms on my jeans, just for more liquid to replace it all. It was such an excruciating thing, the waiting, and the amount of things I was feeling made me want to run away and never actually come back. But I always got like this after I cry all night. Always.

Incredibly anxious. Even more emotional.

The planned events for today didn't help it at all, though. And Josh insisted on picking me up, because he thought it was easier this way. He thought everything was easier the way he did it, and my head pounded with nerves.

"Have a good day," my mom said, waving half-heartedly to me. I still didn't respond. Just traipsed out to Josh's car with the smallest amount of emotion I could muster, my face blank and eyes lazy. I was tired, but I could deal with it.

"Hey, Ty."

"Hello."

He sighed immediately, and I rolled my eyes at the window, trying to show that, no, he shouldn't just leave the state with no reason or explanation. It wasn't cool, and I hated that he did that. First off, I hated that he ran away from his issues and completely pushed them down, suppressing the feeling until it caused him to drive to Indianapolis. God, he was ridiculous. Ridiculous and impulsive and secretive and I was too unaware of all of these things, and now I took them into account, and I still couldn't care.

"I'll explain later. More in depth. I'm taking you to the lake tonight, seeing as it's Friday, but right now, you're going to have to be quiet, and civil. I'm going to do the same thing, and once we leave this stupid place, nothing will matter." He breathed, tense and rigid. "Nothing's gonna matter after this." I knew he was saying the last part to himself, but I didn't comment. This was obviously something that was going to be done, and I wouldn't be able to stop him.

We didn't even speak until we parked at the furthest end of the parking lot, hiding away from everyone else here. His head was instantly on the steering wheel, and I could see the red in his cheeks growing, the feeling falling onto me like a heavy, thick blanket. It was warm and suffocating, and I shifted in my seat, trying to figure out what was going on. It was very obvious that he didn't wanna go in, and so I didn't know why we were.

"Why are you making yourself go, knowing something bad is gonna happen?"

He looked up at me, his eyes smoldering mine, but I refused to look away.

"Do you know how much it hurts to let that idiot know I'm afraid of him? God, Tyler. I'm terrified. Absolutely terrified. And-and," he was rambling now, hands flying around the car. "It's not even of him. Like, if he punched me in the face, we'd probably get into a fight or something and I wouldn't freak out at all, but he knows so much about me and I-" his head fell into his hand, and the speed of his breathing slowed significantly, and I tried to calm mine, too. "This isn't what I wanted for myself, Tyler. Just know that."