Double Jeopardy (SVU Fanfic)

16. Maybe We Can Talk About It

I know I was. I wanted so bad for Ashley's attack to be mine. I told Amanda about it. I may or may not have told Mom or someone else but I don't even know anymore. I wanted it to be me who got abducted, instead of Ashley. She wouldn't have left. My life could have gone back to normal. Now it never will.

Was that a selfish thought? Wanting things the way I wanted them?

Was it stupid? I mean, obviously. I was raped and beaten anyways.

Was it just a natural instinct? We've known each other for nearly a decade.

I just don't know.

But this was a burning thought I had for the longest time. I wanted it to be me.

And then it happened.

I guess I should stop wanting things.

I don't care who says it isn't true. I asked for it. I legitimately asked for it to be me instead of Ashley. It was me and Ashley but still.

I can't keep reading after that. She is thinking dangerous thoughts. They're scaring me.

I probably thought things like this for awhile. But not nearly as descriptive as for why. She has reasons.

I tape the notebook back into place, no guilt forming.

Why did she think...she...I just don't get it.

*Ellie's POV*

"Don't you have any male friends?" I ask lightly. "Girls aren't supposed to set up cribs."

"I was waiting to see how long you would hold up. Fin's gonna be here in a half hour."

I roll my eyes and stomp back into the living room. "You suck."

"I know."

I take a slice of my pizza out of my box and take a bite. Not gonna lie, Amanda being pregnant gives me access to all of my comfort foods. Which is great.

We turn back to Chopped.

"I hope the girl gets cut. That food doesn't even look good," Amanda says.

"It's a purée. It's not supposed to look good," I reply. "And the fact it's not pizza could be a factor."

"Pizza is food of the gods. You know that."

Well, she isn't wrong.

I grab another piece of pizza and start to eat when there's a knock at the door. Ugh I have to get up.

I check to make sure its Fin, then turn the doorknob. I just nod my head at him to say hello because I have mouth full of pizza.

"You can't even say hi?" Fin asks as I turn to go back to my spot.

"I'm eating." I say, my mouth still full.

"Charming. Hey 'Manda."

"I'm also eating," Amanda replies with her mouth equally as full.

"Are you sure you aren't Amanda's birth daughter?" Fin asks me.

My mouth isn't full this time. "Mom does it!"

"Not around me."

I give him a look. He knows Mom does that with Chinese.

"Fine. Where are these cribs?"

Amanda and I point down the hall to the guest room.

"Don't strain yourselves guys. I got this," he says sarcastically, putting his hands up.