Unity

Chapter Twenty Three

My twenty-three year old self forced myself down at the table in the living room. There sat a pile of electric, water, WiFi, and a whole bunch of other bills that I did not want to pay. I had no idea that marriage would be this hard when I married Eren three years ago.

The hardest part was that in the short time that we were married, Eren had become an alcoholic. That wasn't the only thing, though. Eren has always had lots of mood-swings, but this year his psychiatrist had diagnosed him with bipolar disorder. She gave him medication for it and also gave him medication so he wouldn't be so mad all the time, but like the stubborn little shit he is, he doesn't take them. What's worse, though, is that Eren's anger has only grown.

"Wake up, Eren, and help me out a bit. You can't keep sleeping in like this." I heard Eren grunt from our bedroom and flop out of bed. Eren walked in through the door and into the living room with messy hair and nothing on but his boxers.

"What time is it?" he said while yawning and stretching. I looked down at my watch and grunted.

"It's 7:23, we're going to be late!" Eren ran back into our room.

"Damnit!" Eren frantically started changing his clothes and brushing his hair. I poured a bag of cereal into my mouth from the box and tied my shoes. Eren ran out of the room wearing a pair of baggy jeans and a t-shirt. His hair was brushed, so now both of us looked presentable. 

"Let's go," Eren and I went to our car and drove to Eremin's. Word had got out that Eren and I had gotten married and that I was trans, so Eremin's became a popular place for LGBT+ teens. 

Once we got there, we opened shop and just a minute after we turned the 'open' sign on, a young transguy walked in. He was only 16.

"Hey, Armin!" I noticed him and smiled.

"Hey, Tyler, what's up?" Tyler smiled widely. He looked really gitty.

"I started Testosterone yesterday!"

"Did you? That's great!" Tyler nodded and couldn't stop smiling.

"When did your voice start changing?" I remembered back on my transition.

"Three months," I replied.

"Wow," Tyler and I talked for a couple of minutes before he left to walk to his school. Eren came up behind me with tired eyes.

"Tyler again?" I nodded.

"Yeah. He started Testosterone yesterday." Eren smiled a bit.

"He sounds like you when you started Testosterone." I mixed some coffee and washed my hands. Eren took the next couple of people's orders while I made the coffee. It was an unusually busy day today.

.   .   .

Alex just got top surgery and he made a video talking about it and the lack of dysphoria he's had lately because of it. He had a bit of stubble, which I never got, but was okay with it. He put a link in the description to a video that he made about his dysphoria years ago. I clicked on the video and saw a very young Alex on the opposite side of the screen.

"I hate the way I'm so young," Alex paused and looked down at his arms. "I hate coming terms with the fact that I'm trans so young." there was a jump cut. "Purely because at 16 in the UK, there is practically nothing you can do to stop the dysphoria. And that, quite nicely, is what this video leads onto be about, which is dysphoria." I thought back on my dysphoria. I still had some, but it has dramatically decreased. "Me and my two biggest shittiest dysphorias-- is that- is that even a term? Are my chest and my muscle mass because I'm so skinny." Alex held up one of his arms and looked at it in disgust. "I do feel for guys with bigger chests, but let me tell you now. From a guy with a very small chest, it is just as difficult to deal with. You're still looking in the mirror and seeing something that's there that's not meant to be there." He led on to talk about how it's harder for him to get a job because people don't want to hire a trans person. "No job means no money, and no money means no binders, no packers, no nothing to make me happy. The only comfortable way to fight dysphoria is with money. I'm not gonna lie." He talked for a bit longer until he broke down and started crying. His face was red and his words kept breaking. "Emotionally, I get hurt way too easily by this shit, you know? Dysphoria fucking hurts, it really does, and it hurts even more when you're constantly reminded at school. I've been waiting three years for my school to finish since I've met all these people that have been taking the piss out of me, like, every day and it's just finally all over in two and a half weeks and I wish it'd all come quicker. I hate myself so much and, like, for all you people out there and are like, 'yeah, I'm so fat, I need to go on a diet so I can fit in this size 8 prom dress', well fuck you. You know what? I can't even look in the mirror and be happy with myself and that is fucking difficult. The psychological effect that this has on transguys is fucking unreal and nobody has any idea at sixteen how much that can hurt. And the reason why I'm showing this side of this is because all you guys think I'm so strong and you think I'm so brave. No! I'm not any of those things, okay? I'm just like you. I feel all this pain. It's really, really hard for me. Today's like, what, the, the 12th of May, okay, and I'm going to post this on my Facebook on the last day of terms so everyone can see this. And if you don't like me for who I am, then unfriend me or some shit, okay? Because I don't care, alright? By the time school's over I'm going to be happy. I just don't want my gender to hurt me anymore, you know? I just want to be happy with who I am, or, you know what? I don't even care. If I was born the poorest, ugliest, fattest guy in the world it'd still be better than this. I don't even know what I'm getting at here; I just want everyone to be happy and to love yourself, you know? Don't take your gender identity for granted. If, if you know you're female and you have a female body good for you, you know? Just embrace that because there is people like me out there, you know? We don't, we don't see ourselves like we are." He told the camera about how his video was getting too long and he said that he loved his viewers and turned off his camera. Seeing Alex like that made me sad, but I knew that he's in a much better place now. He has had top surgery, is on hormones, and is happy with Jake.