My Stepdad's Son

I Won't Stop Dying, Won't Stop Lying

Andy's P.O.V

I opened my eyes to the glaring sunlight and closed them again tightly. I didn't want to wake up. Every waking hour, I spent it thinking. I was beginning to over think things I wasn't even supposed to be thinking about in the first place.

Putting the pillow I had been laying on over my head, I rolled over and faced the mattress. A loud groan escaped my mouth as I dreaded the fact that I would eventually have to leave this comfortable bed.

At least I didn't have to go to school. Staying in and trying to get over someone I didn't even go out with in the first place, was still better than school. Anything was better than school.

"Meow." A soft noise came from my right. I uncovered my face to see my little baby looking at me.

A smile spread across my face as my eyes met with Crow's. "You're so beautiful." I murmured. "Park?"

Of course Crow didn't answer anything that made any sense, but I took his little blank stare as an affirmative answer.

As I had done the last couple of days, I didn't bother to take a shower or anything else and just put my hair in a man bun and pulled a hoodie over my head, leaving my sweats on.

After taking Crow into my arms I ran down the building's steps to the main entrance and off we went.

Once we got to the park, I took Crow to the old swing set and sat down on my spot. Crow nestled himself on my lap and fell asleep quickly.

"We were going to play, kitty." I whispered next to his ear. "But you fell asleep."

My words were only but a whisper in the space between us. He didn't even move at the sound or the air that came with them. He was in a peaceful slumber.

I envied him, in all honesty. Yeah, he was a cat, but he didn't let things bother him. It didn't matter if I didn't pick him up one day or kissed him on the nose when he slept, he was always here for me and never left.

He didn't let anything bother him like I had been doing it these last few days.

I shook the thought away and started to swing back and forth. This was getting to me without me noticing. If I let this go on, it would soon turn into a mess I'm not going to be able to control.

I have to stop this. I have to go out by myself, start dressing like myself, get out of bed. It's only been three days of me doing this but three days is more than enough. If I keep this up, I'll end up in a dark room and I won't know how to get out.

Crow made a small sound in his sleep and I took it as an agreement to my thoughts. I felt a knot at my throat and it suddenly got dry. It wasn't because of Ashley, though. I just was starting to realize my sad reality.

I've been living in a bubble. It's a nice safe home to be in. I'm not going to tell you that I don't enjoy it because I would be lying. But I am hiding myself, lying to myself everyday.

I live in a completely disconnected state with the rest of the world. That's not necessarily bad but at the same time it is. I have nothing but myself and my cat. I don't need a social life but it's deteriorating my self-esteem and my emotions.

People need human interaction and for years I have been pretending like I was okay without any contact. I had no real friends to share my feelings with. But now that Ashley has given me a taste of what it's like to actually interact with someone on a daily basis, to actually have a friend, I don't want to let go.

I don't want him to leave me. And now, I'm head over heels for a guy who can't love me back. I don't have him like I want to and slowly I'm detaching myself from him as a friend too.

I took a deep breath and tried to hold in the tears. I have to get out of this funk I've been in and be strong for myself once again. What is it that they always say?

If you love someone let them go?

Well I guess that's what I'm doing. I'm letting him go and being happy for him. You see, I plan in living a long and full life and in order to do that I have to be the healthiest I can.

I want to be emotionally healthy and I want to be able to let these kinds of things go. But I never realized it would be so hard. I don't know what it is about Ash but seeing him, even just the thought of him, with someone else is torture. I don't even want to picture it.

It hurts me to realise that he opened my eyes to my reality in this way. He had to hurt me like this to realise that I hadn't been feeling anything. I was numb. This big jab of pain woke me up from my numb state and now I feel everything too real.

A single tear rolled down my cheek and I wiped it away before more came. I didn't want to break down here. It was a public place, and even though this place was usually deserted, somebody could stroll by and see me in this pathetic state.

I didn't want to do this. I thought I would never go through something like this again. Dad was gone. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted my dad.

I hugged Crow tightly, fighting the tears. I was such an idiot. I didn't know how to manage my feelings and now they are all mixing. They're all coming out at once and I don't know how to deal with it.

I'm lost.

A/N:
Yo hello! Ugh I've been meaning to update but since I've started school I haven't got the chance. :( It's boring and all but I do have film class this year and it is AMAZING.

Thanks for sticking around and reading this story! Thanks for the loads of reads and all. You guys are better than chocolate. ^-^ That's a whole lot.

-Michelle