My body was covered with the softest blanket ever. I threw myself back to bed and waited for Harry to come in, but he never did. When I stood up and looked for him, I realized he wasn't there. He probably left when I fell asleep. I walked up to the shower, taking off my sundress as soon as I closed the door and looked in the mirror. My eyes weren't swollen anymore and I had some color on my cheeks. My hair was a complete mess and the bruises I had yesterday were starting to fade. It had been one day. One day of not consuming any drugs. This was a record for me, and I felt proud of myself. The distraction Harry made was helping me a lot. When I go without drugs one single day I go crazy, I've become so dependent on them, that I couldn't survive without them.
Today, I will try. For the first time in a long time, I will try to be good. Yesterday I had fun, yesterday I laughed, yesterday I was happy. A single person, a single soul could do this to me. I was grateful for it. I was willing to try, I will try to fight the anxiety. I took off my underwear and walked into the shower. As the water drops hit my body, my mind started to float with memories. I remembered how my father used to hit my mother, I remembered how my mother used to hit me, I remembered when my father left us, I remembered when I was working to buy food, I remembered being hungry all the time, I remembered everything. When I was 18 years old, I left my house and my mom. I left with a man 10 years older than me. He got me into drugs and prostitution. The worst things in life come free to us. I never wanted this life, but I couldn't stop myself. Now I am 21 years old, with no one in my life that cares. I am nothing.
When I got out of the shower, I started to realize that I couldn't do this, I wasn't strong enough. The anxiety was winning again. I was starting to feel it again. When you have anxiety you're not dead, but not alive either, you're a ghost with a beating heart. It feels like everything stops, your heart stops, the world stops, everything. When you finally move again, everything goes in slow motion. Everything you hear or see feels like it's a thousand miles away, even when it's right in front of you. You can breathe, but your body won't let you. It feels like if someone clamps onto your chest and grips it tighter and tighter, to the point of almost throwing up. You have no control over your own body. And the harder you try to control it, the worse it gets. Do you know what it's like to be tortured by your own mind? I don't think anyone could ever criticize me more severely than the way I viciously criticize myself. What was wrong with me? Absolutely everything. I was done trying to save myself.
I closed the bathroom door with force. I was feeling it, and it was coming stronger than ever. I walked to the room and opened the closet. I dressed with the first thing I saw. It was a white t-shirt and blue jeans. I was walking through the room. I tried walking in circles first. It didn't work. I ran and exercised. It didn't work either. I was a mess. An hour went by and I was sitting on the floor crying like a little baby. I couldn't breathe. I was trying, really trying, but the anxiety was winning. I found my purse and looked for my wallet. It was completely empty. I felt as if someone punched me in the stomach, I was trying to gasp for air, but it wasn't helping. I needed drugs, I just needed them. Harry was distracting me yesterday, but now that he wasn't here, nothing was stopping the sickness. Hastily I ran to the living room and grabbed the room keys. I got out running and I was out of the hotel in a heartbeat. I knew I looked like a total mess, but I didn't give a fuck. I obviously didn't know where to go, but I was running, fast. After 2 minutes, my legs started to shake. I stopped and placed my hands on my knees, breathing hard.
"Are you okay?" I turned around and saw a man. He was younger than me, he was like 19. He stood right in front of me with a worried face.
"Yes. Do you know where Briars street is?" I knew I was being rude, but I needed to find my provider's house.
"Yes, you're actually close. I'm heading that way, so I can show you. Of course, if you want to." This kid must be an angel!
"I would appreciate that." He smiled at me and we began to walk. We remained quiet for like five minutes until he spoke.
"I'm Dylan." His nervous voice made me laughed.
"Samantha." I introduced myself. He looked down at me and smiled. He was such a cute boy. Not like Harry, but cute.
"A nice name for a nice girl." Was he hitting on me? That was the worst pickup line ever. I smiled at him and we didn't say a word until we arrived to our destination.
"Thank you Dylan, it was nice meeting you. Bye now." I didn't give him time to speak as I started running to Adam's house.
I arrived to the familiar house and knocked the door with all my strength.
"ADAAAM OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!" I screamed when I heard someone moving around inside.
"Samantha, what a surprise." his creepy smile was freaking me out.
"Cut the shit, and give me a bag." I stared at him with a serious expression.
"Woah, calm the fuck down you whore. Do you have the money?" He raised an eyebrow.
"No, I don't. But I swear I'll pay you as soon as I have it." My voice cracked at the end of the sentence.
"No money, no drug." He was closing the door when I stopped him.
"Please Adam, I will give you anything." I was pleading with my eyes. I needed it. The anxiety was coming back, and I didn't think I could survive this one.
"No money, no drugs. Now get your slutty ass out of my house." He closed the door on my face and I felt the tears on my cheeks. I couldn't breathe. I was going to die.
"ADAM PLEASE, I'M BEGGING YOU. I WILL PAY YOU BACK!" I screamed punching the door over and over again. I sat on the floor, crying my eyes out. My lungs were giving up, I pulled my hair trying to relieve some of the pain growing inside me, but that didn't work. I was about to give up, I was sure going to die right here, and I wasn't being dramatic. But then it hit me. Harry left some of the money he was paying me on a box. I got up and ran. My anxiety was pushing me forward and I was running faster. I needed to get to the hotel. I needed to get that money. I needed the drug on my system. Ten minutes later I arrived to the lobby. Everyone was staring at me, probably because I was breathing hard and sweating. I ran to the elevator and my legs were about to give up, they were shaking and I was about to fall. I pushed myself and got into the elevator. The doors were closing when someone walked in.
"Samantha?" I felt all the colors of my face disappear as I was staring at Harry.
*****
A/N
500 reaaaadsss! This is amazing! I love you all! Thank you for readinnng and please vote and comment!!! Eva out xx
BINABASA MO ANG
The A Team
FanfictionI always thought that if I died no one would notice, no one will cry for me. I was alone in this world, being a complete waste of space, no one seemed to aknowledge me before I met him. He is hope, he is light, he is love.
