Letters to Italy

29. the last letter

I had decided. I only wanted the best for him. I didn't want him to wait so long for me. It didn't even was sure yet whether I was going to move to Italy someday or not. I actually never thought about leaving my own country before. But since Gianluca it seemed like it was self-evident. What was it definitely not.

I called Jonas again. If I had a problem like this, I always called him. He still was my best friend too, not only my brother. He told me to do what my heart wanted. But this time I was not sure he was right. My heart wanted nothing more than being with Gianluca all the time. Since that was not possible, his idea of letting my heart speak was kinda irrelevant. But what to do then. There was one thing left. I had to 'break up' with him.

I convinced myself it was better to quit building this life now than build a life with Gianluca that was meant to fall apart one day. Because then the consequences would even be worse. Then my sadness would be even bigger. It was better to stop it immediately.

I thought about it for days. Not that smart because I still had exams. I couldn't concentrate. That was another reason for breaking up with him. Maybe my study patterns would be normal again when I had forgotten about him. But that was not going to be very soon. On the day of my last exam, he called me to ask how it went and when I maybe could come over to Italy.

The original plan was telling him what I was thinking those last days. But I couldn't. It was too hard. Even telling him I wasn't coming to Italy wasn't possible. "I...ehm...I don't know yet whether I can come to Italy," I finally said. But actually it was possible to visit him in Italy. But I didn't want it because when you break up, why take the effort of travelling all the way to him. Of course it was better to tell it to him live. But I was sure I definitely couldn't tell him we better stopped our relationship when I was standing right in front of him.

So the only option left was writing a letter again. I know, that's not a very polite way of breaking up with someone. But in a letter I could tell everything I wanted without seeing his beautiful face or hearing his voice. Because that would be too difficult.

I started writing immediately after his last call. At the end of my letter I was crying so hard, I had to leave the letter for a while, otherwise it would be a very wet letter. And then it was all for nothing.

I hoped he wasn't going to receive the letter on his birthday, that would be a very bad moment. But actually every moment was bad for it. It was not only hard to write the letter, also to call or text him after I had sent the letter in his direction. How could I be so mean. He was sending sweet messages all the time and I knew he was going to receive a 'break up letter' soon. I just hoped he wouldn't hate me after it. Than it all would end not that bad. What was I saying. Of course it was a bad ending of our love story but there was no other option.

I read the letter over and over again. To make sure I wrote everything in the best way possible.

Dear Gianluca

You just called me. Actually I wanted to tell you something important. But I couldn't. It was too hard for me to tell it 'live'. So that's why I am writing this letter to you. The last letter ever. Possibly.

Gianluca's POV

I had a very bad feeling while reading the letter. Especially after she wrote it was going to be her last letter. I already listed up every possibility for why she said that. Was she going to kill herself and was this a farewell letter. Or had she ran out of money so she literally couldn't write some more letters. Or maybe her parents had forbidden her to write more letters to me. Or she didn't love me anymore? Only by thinking that, the tears already started to roll over my cheeks. I quickly read further.

First of all, I am so sorry for what I am going to say! Remember, I love you with all of my heart! I'm still as much in love with you as at the first second I saw you. I now could describe why I love you so much. But that's gonna hurt even more. Because this is not a letter about why I love you so much.

Maybe I just have to say it. There's never a good way of telling this and I definitely can't find how to start saying it. So the next sentence is the thing what I 'wanted' to say.

I think it's better we break up. I'm so sorry. You possible think I'm very mean now. Or a bitch. You gave me everything I wanted in the best way possible. Love! But I think I can't give you what you need. There are definitely two more years before I eventually can move to Italy or follow you everywhere. That's just too long. I don't want you to wait for me so long. I want you to be happy. Because I love you! So I need to let you go. I hope you understand that.

She kept writing about the reasons why our relationship wasn't meant to be. And in between she repeated a lot that she still loved me. I never had more difficulties with reading something. Not only because of the tears in my eyes. It was certainly hard for her to write it, but I was sure it was even harder for me to read it. Although a few weeks ago I was thinking the same things. But the difference was, she was strong enough to tell me, even though it was in a letter.

I saw Piero and Ignazio looking very concerned to me. I gave them a sign that they didn't need to come over to me. Not yet. I had to be on my own. I read the letter a few times over again, hoping to find something nice, a hidden message or something. Or maybe a signal the letter was not written by her. But no, of course it was hers. The handwriting was perfect and the words the writer had used could definitely come out of her mouth.

After crying a lot and telling it to Ignazio and Piero and my father and a lot of other people, I decided to call her. It was going to be the saddest phone call ever. I didn't want it but I had to tell her she was right. Not about the fact that she did it for me. But that our relationship wasn't possible because she needed someone better than me. I was just too buzzy with Il Volo and performing and travelling around the world. And she needed a boyfriend that could support her day and night while being right next to her.

"I hope you find someone new. A beautiful and sincere person that loves you. Someone who can be there when you need him," I said.

"That's what I hope too. For you!" She cried a lot. It was difficult to hear her words clearly through it. But it was okay. Of course she cried. I cried too. This was hard for both of us. Certainly because we actually really loved each other. More than we ever loved someone else. Probably even more than our own friends and family, what was rude to say of course. But when you're in love you can't help but think that one person is more special than anyone else that ever excisted.

"I hope to see you again one day!" was the last thing she said before saying her last goodbye.

After the phone call I went to my room. Luckily we didn't had to perform that night. For sure it would have been a complete disaster. I didn't know if I would be able to perform the next evening. I probably was going to cry during every single song. Especially the real love songs, so almost every song.

The rest of the evening and night I was lying in bed, crying. Not really trying to sleep at all. I knew that wouldn't be possible on such a moment. But around 3 hours after midnight I finally fell asleep.