Letters to Italy

33. solution

February 26, 2017

"Everything has a solution", Gianluca said on the first day. But what if I wasn't that good in solving things? Maybe I had to solve the problems differently. Had I made the wrong decision and did I solve our problems in the wrong way? I felt an urge of changing the sentence: "Everything has a solution. You just have to find the right one."

After more than one year without him, I realized I might have taken the wrong decision. I was wondering how it would be if we hadn't broke up. If we still were a couple. Would we see each other often? Or would we still break up after a while. The questions kept spinning around in my head. I decided to do something about it because I didn't want to be totally bald someday. No, I was not going to Italy and leaving everything behind. And I was definitely not going to Gianluca. After more than one year without him, I needed to hold on. This was not the right time to give up. I cannot just invade Gianluca's life again. That would make it more difficult for him and for me. Because even though it's already more than a year later, our problems still would be the same as before.

No, I decided to go to the psychologist. "Mom, I have to ask you something."

"What?" she asked, not really interested.

"Can I borrow some money to go to the psychologist?"

Her face lit up. "Oh, I'm so happy you finally decided to go! I'm proud of you!"

"Not too fast mom," I answered. "I'm gonna give it a try. But if it doesn't help, I quit, no matter how long  I sat there. If I feel like it's already enough after one minute, I'll leave the room." It had no effect on my mom's happiness. "Here you go," she gave me 50 euros, "I'll pay it. You don't have to pay that yourself!"

Unfortunately, I had to wait until the psychologist had time to help me. So the 2nd of march would be the day.

March 2, 2017

"How was it?" my mom asked curious. "It was quite a relief actually. I told everything. But really everything to her. And she just listened and understood me."

"It's nice someone really understands you!" she said. I saw she felt guilty because she never actually listened to the whole story, including every detail and feeling about it AND really giving me the feeling of understanding it all. And that made me feel guilty, because in the last few months she had tried to talk to me, a bit like a psychologist, but I refused all the time. And now I went to the psychologist, I suddenly wanted to tell everything. To a stranger!

"I'm sorry mom!" I started to cry. She stood up from her chair to embrace me. "It's okay! We all had moments like that when we were younger. Head over heels in love and not accepting any advice from someone else. Especially not from the parents," she laughed. "Oh, and I'm sorry too! I didn't support you when you needed me. What for a mother am I?" she started to cry too. Not as much as I was doing. But still, she cried. And it was weird to see her cry, my own mother.

"Mom?" She looked up. "I forgive you. If you forgive me!"

"Can you forgive me?" I cried.

"Of course!" she said immediately.

***

May 19, 2017

Since I went to the psychologist, everything changed. In a good way. After more than 15 months, that finally became time. And my hair was growing back. So I was relieved everytime I had talked to the psychologist. I could enjoy the little things again. Like food, music and even the company of my family. I also could concentrate again during studying. What a relief. So I hoped the exams that were going to follow in the next month were going to be great. And of course Gianluca was not totally forgotten. That was impossible. It was still hard to listen to Il Volo music. That was just too emotional for me. But I was sure that it would be possible one day, very soon.

I was wondering what Gianluca was doing, what he was feeling. Would he have forgotten me already? Or would he still miss me a lot. Perhaps he had forgotten me much earlier. Before I even could imagine it was possible not missing him anymore. I didn't know. It was quite weird not knowing it. It were 15 months without hearing a thing from him and my life still felt very empty like that. I was actually quite curious. So I took a look on twitter again, I typed in his name. There only were the typical pictures. Nothing from where I could derive how he really felt. He smiled on pictures with the fans, sometimes he looked more serious. And then there were pictures from him on stage. Most of the time he had a very serious face, sometimes he smiled. That was all. I was kinda relieved I didn't saw pictures of him with another love interest. And he still looked very handsome. So I couldn't deny I still was in love with him! As much as in the very beginning. But as a conclusion I could say there were improvements. Because I didn't had a depression anymore and the feeling like I was going to die because of missing him was decreasing too.