Letters to Italy

30. black

The first day after our last phone call, I already tried to forget him. Impossible of course but I started to put the beautiful medallion into a pink box. The colour didn't really match my feelings but it was better than putting it somewhere else and losing it. Even though that would be great to forget about that beautiful moment and about Gianluca. Actually I didn't want to forget him. I only wanted to block out the sad feelings. I hoped I could think about him one day without feeling sad or missing him again. I really wanted to remember all the beautiful memories until I die. So that were actually all the moments we spent together the last six months. I just had to go on with my own life. Without Gianluca in it. I hoped I could function normal again one day. I still couldn't concentrate on studying and I wasn't really fine company. I probably annoyed everyone around me with my behaviour.

After not calling Jonas a week or not writing a letter to him, he finally called me again. "What did you do?" Jonas screamed trough the phone. "You broke up with him. That's the most stupid thing you can do." He probably heard it from Gianluca himself.

"I thought I told you to let your heart decide!" Jonas really seemed angry. He never was angry at me. So it was actually quite weird because it seemed like he really wanted me and Gianluca together as a couple. "He's devastated. And you probably too. This is not right!"

It was nice to hear he really had loved me otherwise he wouldn't be devastated like Jonas told me. But I wasn't going to take back my decision. I had to hold on, for my own good. And for Gianluca.

"It's my life! I had hoped to find some support from you but you make me even feel more sad. Now I really feel like I made a bad decision." I ended the conversation without saying one more word. Now I wasn't only sad but also very, very angry. Everyone noticed. My parents were also angry all the time because of my behavior. "Since you met that Il Volo boy you changed completely. You used to be such a happy, friendly kid. And look now."

They were right, I always was friendly to everyone, although I was most of the time very shy. But I couldn't fake happiness. I didn't feel happy. My life had become 'black' and 'empty' since the day Gianluca and I last called, a week ago now. After six months sending messages or calling each other every day, that was very, very long. And I tried to convince myself it would be over some day, probably the day we called the end. "In the end, everything will be alright."
I told myself if that day wouldn't come, I would make the end myself. Probably with a rope, a chair or maybe a high bridge. No I was not that kind of person. But you never know how far you can go yourself. When you think there's nothing to live for or nothing to believe in anymore, that would be the day a person commits suicide. But not me. At least I hoped so.

The days passed by. Jonas and I talked to each other again. I tried not to talk about Gianluca with anyone, in the hope the people around me would forget about him too. So they couldn't ask about him anymore. So actually I didn't say anything anymore. There was nothing to say because I still thought about Gianluca everyday. Nothing else could get my attention, so I couldn't talk about it either.

I limited my talking to the necessary things. Yes. No. Okay. Can you give me the water. And stuff like that. After a month, a lot of people had tried to talk to me but they gave up because they knew it was useless. Even my brother gave up. He called me but it was basically everytime the same thing. I didn't even ask him things anymore. Like "How is Carlotta?" or "What have you done last weekend." Nothing.

I only did what I had to do. Study, eat, sleep and trying to forget about Gianluca. It had been better if I had a nice hobby, something different from playing songs on the piano (because that reminded me of Gianluca again), to put my mind on something else. But I didn't really want to do that. I didn't want anything anymore. A depression? Possibly.

Gianluca's POV

The first days after the painfull break up I had difficulties with singing on stage, like I thought. My mind was not on the singing or on the Ilvolovers. I only thought about her, even during singing. So actually nothing changed, because I always used to think about her, every second of the day. But this time I was 100 percent sad and the previous times it was between sad and happy. Because I knew we were going to see each other again and that we were going to be together someday. At least that's what I thought. That's what I hoped. But we had to be realistic. Use our brains. With the painful consequence our hearts probably were bleeding. I couldn't imagine a day I completely would have forgotten about her. That day just doesn't exist. But I could try to reduce the sadness I felt and become more happy than sad again. But it was going to take a long time. A few months. Possibly a few years. The last option was more logic in this case.