My Michelle.- Complete Story!

Chapter 40 - Alice.

Michelle lay in her bed in the semi darkness. The new baby slept in a crib by her bed.  She thought about the events of the night. Paul delivering their baby was not what she had expected to happen. She remembered his expression of love and wonder as she had been born. Why did she feel nothing for the child beside her? Why was this baby so different to how she felt when the twins had been born? Hoping that she would feel better in the morning, she closed her eyes and tried to sleep. She was awoken by crying just after dawn. She looked at her baby and placed her to be fed once again. She sighed as the baby quietened and closed her eyes again. An overwhelming feeling of gloom and fear took over her. Her baby finished feeding and Michelle placed her back into the crib. Michelle lay down in bed again, pulled the cover over her head and hid away, sobbing.

"Michelle?" A quiet, familiar voice broke her sadness. "Michelle, its Jane Rothwell."

Slowly Michelle emerged from her cover, her eyes swollen and red with crying. Jane sat on the bed facing her.

"Something tells me that this isn't baby blues." She said softly, "Do you want to talk?"

Michelle looked at her, struggling to answer. Jane leaned over the crib and picked up the sleeping baby. "She's beautiful Michelle isn't she?"

Michelle shrugged.

"What is it Michelle?"

"I look at her and I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing!" Michelle looked at Jane for some kind of reaction. "I don't understand it. I loved the twins as soon as I saw them."

"There must be some kind of feeling when you see her."

"Anger. Fear. Seeing her there makes me so scared! I don't know how I'm going to cope with three children. How do I split myself so that the twins get the attention they need but I do what I need to do with this one?"

"I understand why you're afraid, but why anger Michelle. How can this little baby make you angry?"

"I ...I don't know. I know that I never wanted her and felt anger when I discovered I was pregnant." She paused. "Part of me even wondered if getting pregnant was what made Paul leave me. Oh Jane, I'm a terrible mother. I failed the twins, I couldn't provide them with a stable home with two parents and I'll fail this one too." She began to sob again.

"Michelle, look at me," Jane said suddenly, "Dry your eyes and look at me."

Michelle did as she was asked. Jane placed the sleeping baby into her arms and slowly opened the blanket around her. He baby stirred, making soft grunting sounds in her sleep.

"Look at her Michelle. Really look at her. Describe what you see."

"A baby."

"No I said describe, who does she remind you of?"

Michelle looked again. "She's got the same hair line at the front as Kathryn!" She was surprised. "Her eyes are similar shape too." She touched the little hand which instinctively grasped her finger in her small fist. "Long fingers and a strong grasp. She's got pianist fingers like me and her brother." Michelle smiled. "She strokes my breast when I feed her too. James used to do that." She lifted her eyes and looked at Jane, a soft smile on her face, "You're right – she is so beautiful!" Michelle cradled her baby close to her and kissed the soft downy head. "Hello sweetheart," she whispered, "I'm you're mummy. I love you so much and I want to be the best mummy I can." Suddenly Michelle looked up at Jane. "How did you know? How did you know what I had to do?"

"You need to stop being so hard on yourself," said Jane gently, "The break up of your marriage wasn't the fault of you or this little one. You, the twins and now this baby, were all victims of Paul's decisions and actions – nothing more. As for coping with three children now, the same question has been asked for centuries by women who find themselves with babies born very close together. You have Rose. Pauls now available to you if you need his support. You have Richard and George Martin and lots of other people who can help if you need it."