Chapter 12

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Clary POV

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

That's the only thing I can hear. All I can see is black, I can feel nothing, smell nothing. There is only black.

Am I dead?

That's the only thought running through my head. No. I can't be. Whatever the hell is beeping wouldn't be beeping, would it? I can't be dead. I can't be dead! I have to wake up! WAKE UP CLARY! WAKE THE FUCK UP CLARISSA ADELE MORGENSTERN!
Morgenstern. I haven't used the last name since I was twelve. Ever since I decided to start new in St Augustine after my final heart surgery. When people asked what my name was I told them my last name was Fray.

I don't know where I thought of it, I just said it. My dad was kind of upset at first but he eventually excepted it. He understood I was going through that shit. He was always there for me when I needed a mom. No matter what he was doing, he would stop and comfort or help or whatever he had to to be a good father. Sure, he's a drug dealer. All people have their flaws.

Every single person I've ever met has had their flaws. Gemma Lovelace was brutally honest. Henry Branwell was so obsessed with his tinkering he barely had time for his girlfriend. Charlotte Fairchild, no matter how much Henry's inventing annoyed her, could never leave him because she loved him so much it was her weakness. (Remind me to call those two up to see how they're doing.) Aline has a--you know, I probably shouldn't go into that. I'm mentally shuddering thinking about it. Izzy feels to scared to be hurt to let Simon in fully. (Not that way you perverted people. Kids these days. Tsk tsk tsk.) Alec can't find the courage to tell his parents he's dating a guy--a very sparkly guy at that. And Jace...

Where to begin with Jace. He's arrogant, self absorbed, entitled. But that's what makes me love him. Take away one of those flaws and Jace isn't Jace. A man who will lie to protect you, no matter what extent.

And I've treated him like shit.

From the beginning I've treated him like dirt. Calling him a manwhore and not even acknowledging his presence some days. Even when we were dating the first time I acted like a bitch half the time. I never saw how genuine his feelings were. I was so convinced he was only with me because I was carrying his child or just for the sex. I've never even realized how much of a slut I was, no, am until we started dating the second time. I guess after the first time it just became a necessity almost.

My first time was sort of like the Halsey song Trouble. The relationship I had been in was messed up. It was abusive. Both mentally and sexually. My first time was technically rape, but I never left him. It just makes it more like some lyrics in the song. Don't forget me don't forget me. I wouldn't leave you if you'd let me. And it only got worse. Every time he would force me to try new things, telling me if I didn't I would lose the only person that ever loved me. That ever would or could love me. So I let him, knowing it would just be forced upon me if I didn't. I was almost thankful my dad moved us again.

This entire experience is letting me rediscover myself in some ways. I'm pretty fucked up thinking about it. I'm a slut, alcoholic, drug addict, liar, bitch, and depressed bitch. Yes, I said bitch twice but it's true. I really don't deserve the life in living. I wish that god damned beeping would just stop.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

God, it's driving me CRAZY! Why won't it just stop!? I need it to stop before it drives me crazy! I need it to stop. JUST STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP!

All I want is for this to be done! Why can't I be done with this! I want to wake up and go home! I want to go to fucking high school. I want to go on dates and joke around with...

Who?

Who do I want to go on dates and joke around with? I can see blond hair and brown eyes, but who is this? Who is the blonde guy with...what color were his eyes? Is it even a he? Who...

Jace. How could I forget Jace? What's happening to me? What's going on why did I forget Jace!? I can't forget him! I can't forget Jace or Aline or Alec or Simon or Iz!

But who's Izzy? I know the name, but I can't think of a face. I can't remember who she is. Is she in my school here in Chicago?

Wait.

I'm not in Chicago. I'm in New York. Izzy is my best friend. What the fuck is happening to me!?

I need to wake up! I need to wake up before I forget everything and everyone I love! I need to wake up so I can start a new. My name is not Clary Fray. It's Clary Morgenstern. I'm going to clean myself up. I'm going to stop sleeping with random guys. I'm going to stop pushing people away. I need to stop going to drugs and alcohol and cigarettes and razors as relief from pain. I'm going to be a better person. I'm going to show Jace how much I love him. I just need to WAKE UP!

Beep Beep.

Beep Beep.

Beep Beep Beep.

Wake up Clary.

Beep Beep Beep.

Beep Beep Beep.

Just wake up Clary!

Beep Beep Beep

Beep Beep Beep

Beep Beep Beep Beep

Just wake the fuck up!

Beep Beep Beep Beep

Beep Beep Beep Beep

Beep Beep Beep Beep

Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep.

WAKE UP CLARY!

Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep.

Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep.

Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep.

Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep.

WAKE UP!

I gasp as my eyes snap open and I stare I to florescent lights. People scurry around me, but I don't care. As soon as I can I call out the first thing that comes to my lips.

"JACE!"

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