JOYCE
I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to pretend as if I'm glad he didn't showed up. Cause the truth is deep in me I'm expecting to see him. To see how is he after what happened. If he's okay or he's not affected. If what he looks like, did he sleep well or even rest. I wanted to know it all but he wasn't here. And his friends does not want to say anything.
Why?My gad Joyce its not even a question. You hurt him. You push him. You let him go. So he did do what you wanted. So now are you happy?
Definitely not and will never be.
Zach and the others acting like everything was just fine that there's nothing wrong and Johann was just there with them. It breaking my heart thinking it's only me who suffering like this. Who suffering from my own decision.
"It's going to be fine.."
Tatay hand on my shoulder giving me his warm smile.
Really?I said on my head.
I nodded and continue to washed all the mugs in the sink. Nararamdaman ko na saglit nalang at iiyak na naman ako. Pero pinipilit ko ang sarili kong wag ng ilabas pa. When I was young hindi ko naalalang tumulo ang luha ko. Even the day Mom and Dad left me. I remember how l stayed on our sofa waiting for them to come how. A weeks of eating a piece of bread and drinking my fresh milk. Sleep for a while and then wait again. Hindi ko rin alam kung paano ko nakaya pero nakayanan ko hanggang sa nakalimutan kong wala na pala sila.
Ngayon ko lang naramdaman lahat. Ang sakit ang walang katumbas na sakit.
"Joyce....pahingi nga ng kutsaritang isa.."
it's Emil voice. I gently wipe my eyes and lumapit. Ngumiti ako sa kanila.
"eto..."
sabay abot. Matagal ang titig ni Emil sa akin na parang may nais siyang sabihin.
"bakit?"
tanong ko.
He shook his head and smile.
"you okay?"
Zach added.
Ngumiti lang ako at huminga ng malalim.
"I'll be in the counter,call me when you guys need anything."
saka tumalikod sa kanila.
The front door suddenly noised. Alam ko sa isip at sa puso ko na siya yon. Siguradong siya yon.
Sana makatalikod ako at masilayan siya pero hindi ko magawa hanggang sa yong upuan niya ay gumalaw.
"Can i have my coffee?"
he asked in high pitch.
I got t his mug and started to prepare it. Nanginginig ako. Nasisiyahan na natatakot. Panu ko siya haharapin o panu ko siya kakausapin.
Putting the coffee and walked towards them. He's facing to the side na makikita ko lang ang kalahati ng mukha niya. Ngumingiti siyang nakikipag usap sa kanila. I breath hard try to be calm.
Don't look at me.
Tumingin siya diretso sa mata ko.
"thanks.."
he said and talked to them again. Okay. I know what he's doing and it's fu**** effective. He's trying to show me he's okay and don't care at all. Tatalikod na sana ako palayo.
"so man are you sure about it.?"
"I don't belong to God anymore zach and I need to be faithful with it."
he answered. Gusto kong bumalik at tanungin ang ibig niyang sabihin.
"Oh dude America is a big country.."
"SHUT up Emil...I'm not a kid para maligaw"
nagtawanan sila habang pinipilit kung maglakad pabalik sa counter.
Aalis siya. Aalis din siya.
Tumakbo ako sa kusina at tuluyan ng napahagulhol.
Lahat sila iiwan na ako. Lahat sila mawawala na sa akin.
Mom and Dad talking on there room kahit na sa labas ako rinig ko pa rin ang boses nila.
"Hindi ko kaya June..Hindi ko kayang iwanan siya."
Umiiyak si Mama alam ko yon.
"You should be tough Rose..We will drag her with us kung hindi pa tayo aalis. She will be okay when were gone..This is for her..."
Hindi ko pa masyado naiintindihan until the another day I found myself alone.
It is happening again. I'm feeling the felt again. I hate it...I want it all gone.
This is what I want... let him go but why knowing he will finally leave me forever is like death to me?Why it hurts too much?
"Are you okay.?"
I know it's him but I'm not sure if Im just hallucinating. Mas lalo akong naiyak kasi iniisip kong lalapit siya,susunod siya. Tinulak ko na siya palayo kaya di na dapat akong umasa pa.
"Joyce...."
then i finally feel his warm touch on my arm. Electrified every inch of my viens. He's here...really here.
"I hate to see you like that..you know that.?What's wrong.?"
I keep mum not wanting him to hear my shakey voice.
"tell me your okay and I'll leave..."
He said again sound hopeless.
Don't leave.
I hope I could.
"Goddamnit it Joyce... !!"
Napasigaw na siya,holding my both shoulder with force. It hurts a bit but I wish he wouldn't let go. He saw me in tears,dripping continuously. His face lightened and he touch me. I couldn't look at him. I'm just so.scared that I might lost him again.
"Do you really want me to stay away?"
Mahina na masyado ang boses niya na para bang masyado na siyang nasasaktan.
Kailangan ko nang magsalita. Kailangan ko ng manindigan.
Ano ba talaga?
Kakayanin ko ba?
We stayed quiet for a moment until I finally uttered my word.
"Stay....stay with me."
and his arm enveloped me.
YOU ARE READING
LOVING A SEMINARIAN
Romance(Ongoing Editing) We choose the love we think you deserve even it takes us to sin. What would you risk to fight against forbidden love? Would you choose your faith or would you follow your heart? Join Joyce and Johann in their one of a kind love st...
