A Spotlight Summer (Jack Gilinsky)

Chapter Forty-Three

Kelsey POV

I have never been one to fall prey to fleeting passions. I think everything through, process the information, and then make a rational decision.

Love is not rational.

And I find it extremely difficult to think when the body of Jack Gilinsky is invading my personal space.

The only thing that stopped me from getting on a plane after that night was Jessa. She calmed me down, she reminded me why we came, and she assured me that we would be on our way to New York as soon as the wedding was over.

I've done my best not to think about Jack over the past couple of days, but I've failed miserably. There are too many conflicting thoughts and emotions that are threatening to swallow me whole to even allow myself one moment of peace. There are endless scenarios, dreadful questions, and frightening revelations that course through my mind and my heart every second since my lips touched his for the first time in three years.

I thought about what would have happened if my mother never made me come to Omaha the summer before college as I pinned my hair back for the ceremony today.

I thought about how things would have been different if I never went on tour—or if I never left—as I stepped into my black gown.

I thought about how much I hated the boy who broke my heart as I applied red lipstick and put in my pearl earrings.

Fire coursed through my veins as I remembered how badly he treated me, but my anger was quickly displaced as I slipped on my red heels and thought back to how much I had still loved him even after it all.

I remembered my vow to never forgive him—my vow to move on and never look back after that night in New York at his show.

I thought I successfully fulfilled that vow. I thought I had accomplished the task I had set in front of me. It was simple really: fall out of love with the boy that never loved me enough.

Every part of my being swore that I had forgotten about the whirlwind romance I experienced when I was an immature, easily susceptible eighteen year old. I formed new relationships, excelled at school, began my training as a nurse, and rarely thought about my past summer.

But now, as I sit in my seat next to Jessa, waiting for Fiona to walk down the aisle, I finally realized that it was all a lie. It was all an attempt to mask my underlying feelings. It doesn't matter how many people you meet afterwards or no matter how distracted you become with work—it is impossible to forget your first love. I used to think my feelings toward Davis classified as love, but as soon as I became the recipient of coy smirks and cocky winks and glorious laughter from Jack, I knew I had never truly been in love before him.

I eyed Jack as he stood next to Johnson and my heart hurt just looking at him in his black tux. He wasn't looking my way—he was focused on Johnson, shooting side glances at his best friend any chance he got. I watched as he mentally decided whether to keep his hands in his pockets or clasped in front of him. I watched as he tilted his body to the right to whisper something in Johnson's ear. I took notice of the way he licked his lips, an anxious habit he seemed to not grow out of.

I love him, I thought for the first time in three years.

Ever since I got back to Omaha, I've been confused and unwilling to let myself feel what my heart was begging to be felt. Even if I was unconsciously aware of my feelings, I refused to bring them to the forefront of my mind until now. My conclusion didn't come from the wedding atmosphere, nor did it spring from the realization that I'm leaving tomorrow.

As I watched Jack perform the most simplistic actions, I knew.

I knew I was in love with him because I was completely enamored and utterly captivated by the most mundane of things.

But it didn't matter if his movements were mundane—they were him.

They were Jack.

And I love him.

A/N: This is my favorite chapter I've ever written and next chapter is the wedding and I am so in love with this and all of you and thanks for reading and ugh my heart