Relapse;Signs

Tunnel Vision

 I awoke in the morning after the night prior. I felt fine in a sense, but still drained and groggy. It was about 11 o'clock when I had finally awoken. My stomach growled loudly, much to my surprise, as I'd become less accustomed to the sound and the feelings of hunger. My instincts and my brain wanted something in the vicinity of food or something to drink, but I didn't really want anything, especially after yesterday's events and how much the acid reflux was already messing with my stomach again

. My shoulder burned now, it was dull, but the burning sensation didn't seem to go away, and last night's memories came back to me just as visibly as everything was last night. Shit. They truly did burned a lot, and I grew concerned to see if one had gotten infected or if they were just angry and deep. I hoped it was just the latter, and that they weren't anything serious. I went into the bathroom to look at the damage that had been dealt, and I pulled back the bandages and my beating heart was calmed down and the anxiety went down, and I was relieved at the sight. They looked angry, yeah, they were pretty red and decently swollen, but that tends to happen while they still healed up, but nothing Extremely serious, and I was truly grateful for that.

The sun was shining in my face, which made me squint and it made my face itch as well, but it felt welcoming, as the sun always made me feel better, especially if the sun is still in it's early stages and the colors of the sky had mixed many different hues of purple, oranges, and blues together. There was a good vibe in the air, like something good was going to happen today, or something was just going to be ok. I don't know, the vibes are definitely a lot better than they were the day prior, yet I sort of knew they weren't. There was a knock on my door, that startled my thoughts and my daily routine of normal questioning of the day, that seemed to happen every morning right after I woke up.

"Allen, hun, you have to pick up Adrian in about two hours." I heard mom's voice say in a calm, but definitely in a tone that yells "Allen I swear to god if you don't get up this instant I'm going to come in there and shake you until you get up. Which usually meant I'm late, again, so I sit up, and all the blood rushes from my head, which left me light headed and dizzy, like I used to be every morning.

"Yeah, I know." I say back to her, my morning voice was extremely apparent. I listened for a couple minutes, and I heard her footsteps as she made her way back downstairs. I unplug my phone and turned on the light in my room. It illuminated it in a different light than the morning light. It was brighter, and a lot more artificial. I liked it, but once the sun went down, the whole world seemed to change into a more artificial one, unless I went outside, and the moonlight illuminated the earth. It was beautiful, just as the sunlight was. I didn't know why, but it just made everything feel a lot better.

The box was still by the side of the bed, it reminded me of last night, and all those days before back when I was still young. I quickly push it underneath so the evidence and the memories with that thing were not going to bother me at this point in time. My stomach growled loudly now, which startled me. I truly did want to eat, and my body was fighting me this whole time, so I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a granola bar after contemplating what I should eat, it was long. I wanted to go back to 200 calories per day, no fail, like I did when I was 12, but that went so fast and I ended up feeling like I was going to die so quickly. I knew I had to be smart about this, because my body knows what's going on. It knows it's going to starve. I felt ashamed in a sense for even wanting to eat food, and I didn't want to be caught with it in my hand, I didn't know why though, shame and guilt I guess, so I quickly ran back upstairs and ate it. I ate it slowly for sure, I didn't know why, but knowing I wasn't going to eat what my body was used to made me revert immediately back to all the old habits. Breaking food apart, chewing the food until it was liquid. I didn't know, it surprised me how fast everything comes back. They were gone and now bam, it's back. I wasn't complaining though, I sort of accepted the habits back, they caused me so much comfort. I never knew how much I missed the hunger pangs, but damn, I truly did miss it, but it wasn't the most comfortable feeling anymore, and my body craved food, because the recovery period made it feel as if it wasn't in danger of starving to death, but as the relapses occur my body becomes more and more aware that it's happening again. The cravings would come soon, so I spent a few hours doing nothing but complete crap to distract myself from the thought of food. Messing around on my old guitar, stretching, holding handstands, anything to distract my brain from the thought of food or eating. I know it wasn't productive, and nothing would get done. It was just like back in the initial lapse. I spent so much time doing nothing but utter bullshit, that I rarely ever got anything truly done, and my quality of life was just shit, bored most of the day and food took over my mind.