Relapse;Signs

Life Through A Window

(Title and end lyrics from Structures)

Sunday came around, which marked the day of the doctor's appointment. My nerves were running high. I didn't know what was going to happen, and frankly I was kinda scared. The sun was shining through the window, which tricked my eyes into thinking it's warmer than it probably was. I heard my name being called faintly in the distance, so I groggily rubbed my eyes and got up. I pulled on some pants and a shirt and walked downstairs.

"Allen, what took you so long. We have to go in 40 minutes and you haven't eaten yet." She said. Clearly frustrated. I sit at the table and apologize.

"Sorry mom." I say and she sits back down to finish her breakfast.

"Allen. Eat something." She says. I get up and make a small bowl of cereal. My mind was raging. Yelling. Begging me not to eat it.
"Fuck you." I whispered to myself, in an attempt to make the thoughts go away. I take the bowl to the table and eat it. I eat it slowly, like I do everything else. Mom sighed.
"Can you hurry up a little. We need to go soon." She says impatiently and I quickly finish most of the cereal. 120 calories. The thought automatically popped up in my mind, like it was robotic. Calories ruled my life, still. It was automatic now, as my brain has memorized the numbers. I put the almost empty bowl into the sink. Mom gets up goes to put on her shoes.

"Get a jacket Allen," She calls from her room. "It's cold out there." I walk to my room and grab a jacket and then go back downstairs and put on some shoes. I then follow mom outside and to her car.

"How long will this take?" I ask. Mom gets in the car and I follow and sit on the passenger seat.
"I don't know. Hopefully not too long." She said and we drive off to the doctor. My heart started racing. I put my headphones in. Once mom pulled into the office parking lot my legs became shaky. We got out and walked inside. She checked me in.
"Allen Knox is the name." She said and the lady at the desk typed something and then looked up.
"They'll be with you in just a moment." She said and smiled at us while we sat down. I texted with Adrian for a little. He sent me things to calm me down as I wait. It felt like 20 minutes before we were called in.
"Allen," A nurse called out and I stood up and walked over. Mom stayed seated, knowing I liked privacy. She smiled at me and then we walked to the dreaded scales. "Take your shoes off and we'll get your weight." I reluctantly remove my shoes and stand backwards hoping the nurse would get the hint that I don't want to know. She balances out the scale. The nurse didn't get the hint.

"94 pounds." She said and then wrote it down. I cursed myself. I had gained another pound. I fucking hated myself. I could just purge. I could just do it. I could relapse. Fuck. I can't. I'm doing so well. Fuck. The nurse sends us into a room.
"The doctor will be with you in a few moments." She said and then left. Mom and I waited for what felt like hours. In reality it was only 20 minutes though, but it felt like hours. The door finally opened and in walked a younger doctor. He shook my hand.

"Allen right?" He asks. I nod.
"Yeah." He sits down.
"I've been told about you. I treat the kids who come from the hospital mostly, if you're wondering," He says while examining charts and papers. "We'll get started in just a second. First I need to know. How tall are you?"

"6'2." I say and he looks at the chart again. His face filled with concern.
"Are you aware as to how low that is?" He asks.

"I am yes." I say. He pulls up a chair near me.

"Have you been eating since you got out?" He asked. I quickly nod.
"Yeah." I say. He pulls out a notepad.

"Do you know how much exactly." He asks me.

"I'm trying to get back to being able to stomach 900 to 1,000 calories. I've only managed about 600 maybe 650 max so far." I say, cringing slightly at the thought of the nauseous feeling I still get when eating.