Relapse;Signs

Departure

(Graphic content warning, title and end lyrics from Structures)

The winter break came, after the last few weeks and finals. I dreaded Christmas, knowing there'd be a huge feast, relatives, people, and me I'll probably end up puking everything, again. We were set to drive to mom's sister, Rose's place today, which was three hours away. I didn't even know how I was going to get out of bed, that took everything I had left in me. Every morning I'd go downstairs, grab a granola bar and head back up, fall onto my bed and spend the day there, except for band practice, somehow I mustered the strength when time came. The darkness in my room really felt nice, rarely coming out, and staying in the dark. That was life, fucking hell, fucking hell. Sitting on my bed, not having done anything in about seven hours but write and try and not pass out, today was no different. Just like it'd been for the past few weeks. Last time I'd checked I weighed 90 pounds, but at the rate my body was losing, I'd probably be in the 80's by now. Which I knew was dangerous, but I didn't care really. If I was condemned to this life, I'd rather be skinny and in danger, than have to put all the weight back on. There was a knock on my door.

"Who is it?" I asked. The door opened, it was Mallory.

"Allen, we have to leave soon." She said. I sigh.

"Ok, I'll be ready in a little." I say. She closes the door. I pack a little bag with essentials, and then went into my closet for the stash of food mom brought me, mostly dinner from the past week, I had a tendency to stash for a week and eat whatever is still good by the end of the week, then puke it all up. It all was left to rot there. I grabbed some candies, knowing I'd want to binge at one point, it's better to have them then not. I push the bag through the hallway, making sure not to pass out. My phone and charger were in my hoodie pocket, and my blades hidden in my shoes. I make it out the front door, squinting at the sun I rarely ever saw these days. Mallory ran to the car as I struggled to make it there without passing out, once I get in I put on a playlist and fall asleep.

"Allen, hey, get up, we're here." Mallory shakes me. I open my eyes and try and sit up slowly. mom leads us to the front door, I struggle behind. Rose answers it.

"Lily, you came. Others are already here." Rose says and embraces Lily. Dad helps me with my bag, and we head inside. Half the family had already arrived. I spotted Cameron in the corner, playing with Maysie. He smiled at me.

"Yo, you guys made it just in time for dinner, we've got like 15 minutes before it." Cameron says. I smile, trying to hide the pain in my legs from walking the distance. I sit next to Cameron and Maysie, only to be brought over to the Adult circle by Rose. One by one we greeted each other. I hugged Rose, but I guess the bones in my back had gotten worse.

"Allen, have you lost weight?" She asks, curious. I shrugged, as if I was denying it, so she'd move on. I got the comment a lot. I used to like it, I used to love when people pointed out how skinny I was, but now it's shame. I can't motivate myself to eat anymore, the cycle's gone on for too long. I'm lost. Grandma called everyone for the feast. I sit next to Cameron who noticed my anxiousness.

"Hey man, you ok?" He says. I nod.

"Yeah." I say, shaking.

"You sure, here while people are settling in to dinner, talk to me in the hall real quick," He says. I follow him, my knees buckled twice in the time I was walking with him. He takes my arm in his hand, trying to comfort me. "Allen, why're you shaking so badly?" He asks. I look down, but soon it all comes out, like the puke on thanksgiving, but as words.

"I don't want to eat, I can't, it'll ruin me, I'll have to puke again, and then I'll have to go for a week without eating anything, fuck man, I can barely stand right now. Cameron, I think I have an eating disorder." I say, spilling it all to him, gripping his wrist in the process. I could tell it caused him pain, but my hand wouldn't let go. He hugs me.