Relapse;Signs

Requiem

(Title and end lyrics from Structures)

 March came around, and the frigid weather started to resolve itself, which was a blessing to me. The days were frustrating. Mom's let her guard down as she saw that I was eating something. I tended to try and manipulate my daily calories so I could convince those around me that I was eating. It was working, I was still in the 95 pound mark, yet everyone thinks I'm eating. Even Adrian believes so right now, but I know he'll catch on quickly. Mom refuses to get any sort of help for me, which, right now I'm fine with, as recovering and gaining weight scares me. I know it's bad, and I know how dangerous everything is, but frankly the thought of getting better sounds so much more scary than staying like this. I found comfort in being emaciated it felt comfortable, and anytime I was up by a pound or two, even if it was just from water I'd flip the fuck out, I wanted to stop weighing everyday, but I can't, it's as if I'm a slave to the scale. I used to weigh myself four or five times throughout the day, but that only caused more self-hatred as weight fluctuates throughout the day, but my brain would tell me that the weight put on won't come off. Slowly I tried to stop that thought process, and overtime I learned how to deal with the fluctuations and how to forgive myself as time goes on. My parents weren't aware I was maintaining, they still thought I was gaining. Which makes me still feel in control with myself and over my body. The way my body felt less as if it was on the verge of failing which makes some of the anxiety go away somehow. I knew that tonight I had to eat, in front of Oliver again, as Oliver had booked a show again, which meant tonight was going to be a show night, and we'll be performing with other local bands. Which means eating more, in front of others. I didn't know how I'll end up dealing with it, or if I'd end up purging it, but I'll just let the day run it's course, and what happens will happen.

I grab my phone from my bedstand and check to see if Adrian had figured out his ride for the night. I turn on the screen and see that Adrian had texted me after I had fallen asleep the night before. He had specified that he indeed needed a ride for the show, so I sent him a message to notify him that I would get him at around three and then I put my phone down and sighed before attempting to get out of bed. Once I got up my head had started spinning, but that was such a normal thing these days that I thought nothing of it. I waited for the spinning to subside and headed to the bathroom once I was able to walk in a straight line without ending up on the floor again. I made my way to my bathroom and closed the door in panic as if someone would barge into my door and catch me mid-ritual, or even worse, mid weigh-in. I strip to my boxers, as clothes added weight and I didn't want anything extra on me. I take a deep breath and step on the scale. 94. I smiled, even though I knew it would go back up by tomorrow with water and the food weight that comes with living and breathing as a human being. I put my clothes back on and make my way downstairs to make breakfast. My heart was pounding at the thought of eating, but I knew it had to be done, and I knew that if I didn't eat, I'd be sent back to the hospital and end up back at square one, so I trudged into the kitchen and made myself a bowl of oatmeal. Mom would eye me every once in awhile to see how I was using my habits and if I was eating the food that I had made. I finished the oatmeal and then went and cleansed out the bowl. 150 calories. I had a goal of 1,500 calories today. I felt my stomach start to get full, and that caused a lot of anxiety to start. Panic set in once my hunger signals went away, even though I knew my hunger signals were messed up anyway, and the feeling would be back in an hour. I walk back to my room to look over the lyrics for the setlist that we had set for the night. Once I felt confident enough I called Oliver to get all the details of how the day would go. He answered quickly.

"Yo, dude, what's up?" He asked.

"I just wanted to get a rundown of how the day is going to go." I say.