Relapse;Signs

Bridges

(Title and end words from Reflections)

Monday rolls around and I get out of my bed, drenched in sweat again. It wasn't unusual to wake up in a puddle of sweat, as the more I eat, the more I sweat. I hated it, yeah, but it's a sign my body is working again, and it's an indicator of Hypermetabolism, at least that's what the doctors kept telling me. They told me it was normal in recover, so I didn't worry too much about it. I climb out of bed and immediately go to my bathroom to shower. It was nice to get the sweat off, and afterwards I was curious about weight again. I don't know why, I knew I'd want to kill myself if I saw the number, but I step my naked ass on that scale. 95. I lost? Again? Even though I'm eating a shit ton. Hypermetabolism was the only answer, as I'm probably not purging in my sleep. I get dressed and slip on a beanie before going downstairs for breakfast. I was really hungry, like crushing pain hungry. I go into the kitchen and put a few waffles into the toaster. Four-ish I think. Then four more afterwards. I spread some peanut butter on the top and sit down at the table. I begin to eat them as my dad walks in. He sighs. He's been distant, mainly because of me. He hated the fact that I have an eating disorder. He sees it as a weakness.

"That's a lot of waffles for someone who starves themselves." He observed. I sigh, dad hadn't been around for the past few weeks, ever since mom agreed on the recovery thing. He just worked to avoid any sort of contact with my depressed ass, as he refused to acknowledge it.
"I'm hungry, leave me alone." I say, annoyed. I hated myself enough for eating as much as I was, and when people talked about the amount, it just gave fuel to the fire. I finished my food in silence and put the plate in the sink. I wanted to puke, yet I wanted more food, and I didn't know what to do. I packed a few protein bars and other snacks in my backpack and grabbed my car keys before heading to my car. I get in, and go to pick up Adrian, like every morning. We discussed nothing really in the car, and got to school. I walk to class, and so does he. It all seemed boring, I was waiting to gain, so I could live again, yet eating as much as I needed to do so was painful. It was all just a vicious cycle. I sat in first period, absolutely starving. I had probably 2000 calories of snacks in my backpack, because man, 6 hours is a long time, and I get hungry. I was on 4000 by now, as Hypermetabolism kicked in and all of a sudden I need double as much as usual. It sucks, to be frank, especially because every step still hurts, and my damn knees still knock together, bone to bone. I pull out a protein bar and try to attract as little attention as possible to myself, as eating still embarrassed me. The bell rang and the teacher began to explain what was going to happen in the class, which was just some writing assignment about the book we were reading, it wasn't terribly difficult at all. I finish it pretty fast and fall asleep for the rest of the class, and had to be awoken by Jen.

"Dude, bell rang, I'd hate for you to be late." She said. I gathered my things and began walking to the next class. The day went slow, I was always hungry, tired and sad, but hey, what's new. Adrian met up with me at lunch, and I had half of my 2000 calories of snacks left. I pull out another protein bar and some peanut butter crackers. Adrian pulls out his own lunch and I begin eating.

"Yo, I've been eating nonstop, literally all morning. I'm still damn hungry." I tell Adrian.
"That's normal, right?" He asked. I nodded.

"It's just weird, because I'm not even gaining, like I just want this to be over with, ya know." I tell him. Adrian shrugs.
"Right now, you're literally who everyone wants to be, super skinny, yet able to literally eat like shit." Adrian said, and I laughed. It was true, but it did sorta suck, ya know. Especially because I was maintaining for so long.

"I just hate it, I don't know." I tell him.

"I get you, it'll get better, try and enjoy it, ya know." Adrian told me, and I nod.
"True." I tell him. Lunch ends, I was still hungry, and had to go back to class. I consumed the rest of the snacks during the rest of the day and then met up with Adrian to drive home. Adrian went home with me.