Relapse;Signs

Earth Gazing

(Title and end lyrics from Structures)

I waited on the steps of the hospital for my parents. My feet kept moving. Saying goodbye to everyone earlier was hard, especially after spending so much time with them I got to go home finally, Adrian couldn't visit the day he'd promised sadly, but I get to see him today. The car pulled up, and Adrian ran out.

"Allen!" He said and ran over to me. I stood. We embraced and he spun me in a circle. He kissed me, and then smiled.

"I missed you man." I say. He grabs my bag and nods his head in direction toward the car.

"C'mon, let's go home." He says, and we climb into my dad's car. The air instantly grew staler. Adrian held my hand during the ride. Silence plagued the car the whole way home. When we arrived Adrian carried my bag upstairs. I followed, and the smell of cooking was coming from the kitchen.

"Is Allen home?" Mom asked.

"He's right here hun." Dad said from behind me. She ran over.

"How are you? How was the hospital? Are you ok? I missed you so much." She spouted, and then hugged me.

"I'm fine, a little tired though." I say. She smiles.
"That's good. I was so worried all week." She says, and then the timer goes off, and she runs back into the kitchen to turn off the stove. I go upstairs to Adrian.

"Did you get held up?" He asks.

"Yeahh." I say and sit on my bed, Adrian sits next to me.
"So, how was it?" He asked.

"It kinda sucked, but it was better than the three days prior." I say.

"Oliver told me about your little breakdown, how were the days after that?" He asked.
"The feeling did slowly go away. They gave me the meal plan stuff now." I say. I pull it out and Adrian looks at it.

"Dude, you got lucky. Most people are required to immediately eat the full calorie requirement." He says. I hang the paper on my bulletin.
"The doctor said that my body would not do well after going off of almost nothing for months, so I'm gradually increasing. Starting at 700, and then a week or so until 1,000." I say. There was a knock on the door.

"Lunch is ready, if you two want any," She says, and both of us walk into the kitchen. On the table there were Ravoli and two different sauces, "I made your favorite Allen." She says and smiles. My heart started racing. Fuck. I sit next to Adrian, and he noticed the fact that my hands were shaking.

"You ok?" He asked.

"Last time I ate this was during a binge. These were a nightmare to purge." I whispered to Adrian. He held my hand.
"You're not bingeing on them this time right?" He asked. I nodded.
"Well I mean yeah, I shouldn't." I say. Everyone else in the house sits down. Mallory was at a friend's again, but dad came and sat down. Everyone started reaching for the food. The calories were being added together. Ravoli, 300 per cup, sauce 40 per tablespoon. Mom has a cup and a half, 450 with 80 calories of sauce. Dad had a bit less. Adrian had 200 calories of Ravoli, half a tablespoon of sauce, 20 calories. I got about 150 calories worth of Ravoli, and 20 of sauce. I looked at it. Numbers, everything was numbers. My brain felt overloaded. I stood up.

"I can't do this." I say and run upstairs. Numbers going through my head like little demons. They wouldn't shut up. I lock the door to my room, and run into the bathroom. The scale felt like it was mocking me. Look how fat you've become Allen, you're weak. You're weak. Tears fell out of my eyes. I stepped on that scale. 99. Fuck fuck fuck. Four pounds. I'd gained four pounds. I wanted punch a wall and puke, but I thought better. I stepped off the scale and took a deep breath, ran water over my face until the delusions disappeared. I went and sat on my bed. There was a knock.
"Come in." I say. Adrian walked in with the bowl I left. I sighed.