(title and end lyrics from Structures)
The week seemed to pass slowly, everyday felt like a war between me and my sickness. I wanted so desperately to go back, to lose weight. I wanted to be sick again, just like I was. I knew people would be disappointed if I'd go back, but in my mind I didn't think anyone would care. If I purged no one would know, I could lose another 20 pounds and only Adrian would ever know. I could hide this, and I could hide it well. I promised I'd get better, but I didn't expect the turmoil it'd cause. Fuck. I wish I could just be left alone so I could destroy myself until I couldn't anymore. This morning was a fight, I almost purged my breakfast after fighting mom for almost an hour. It's been an hour since I had eaten breakfast, and Oliver had called an emergency practice for the band. He'd booked a show for us on Saturday, and we hadn't practiced in a good two weeks. Half of that was my fault the other half was Lina's as she had travelled to her relatives for a wedding. She had come back yesterday after spending a week in Switzerland for the wedding. Adrian had texted me earlier, asking for a ride, so I knew I had to leave a few minutes early. It gave me an excuse to skip lunch. I could lie to Oliver, he'd never know. I've become sufficient at lying about meals and food. I've learned all the tricks about lying. Don't use the "not hungry" excuse more than once to someone. If you say that you feel sick people stop believing it pretty soon. Oliver had caught onto these quickly, yet I was determined to skip lunch today. I texted Adrian to be ready soon, and I headed out to the car. Mom stopped me.
"Are you not eating lunch today?" She asked in concern. I shook my head and pulled on some Vans.
"Oliver will have something, don't worry about me." I say in reassurance to her. I make my way out to the car and start it. I drive over to Adrian's and he runs out and gets into the passenger seat. We drive over to Oliver's and park out front. Adrian gets out and I follow, locking my car before going inside the house. Oliver was drumming on his couch with his sticks to what sounded like Thy Art Is Murder. He watched us walk in and turned off the stereo.
"Hey, you made it." He said and placed his sticks down. The house was a lot smaller than mine, but it was homey to me. The atmosphere was nice in the place. The air wasn't stale like it was at home. I feel safe here, as the people in the house knew what had happened, and they didn't make it a big deal. I sat on the couch next to Oliver. Adrian sits on the table that stood in front of the couch. The feeling of hunger had pitted itself in my stomach again. I missed it dearly and welcomed the feeling back. Oliver stood up and responded to a message on his phone.
"Lina's gonna be here in 10 minutes, anyone want food? I have leftover pizza and shit." Oliver said and my heart skipped a beat.
"I had lunch before I left." I lied and Oliver sighed.
"Allen, come now." He said sternly. I walk into the corner of the living room with Oliver. He was going to lecture me again, I knew it. Oliver grabbed my arm. His eyes had worry written all over them.
"I'm sorry." I say and he hugs me.
"Look. I know you're so sick of me always asking if you ate and caring for your well-being, I know you feel like you don't deserve this. I get it." He said. I looked down, trying to avoid eye contact with Oliver. He put his hand on my shoulder.
"I know you do, but whatever I do, whenever I try to fight the thoughts, it's painful. They physically consumed me. Oliver, I don't know myself anymore. Who even am I underneath that one anorexic kid. I don't know myself, what was I like? Before this became my life. Fuck. Oliver. Who even am I?" I say and a tear falls onto my nose. I wiped it away.
"You'll always be Allen to me and probably everyone else you know. Your brain is just playing tricks with you. I promise those thoughts become muted as time goes on. You just have to fight against them." He said.
"How?" I asked.
"You have to eat." He said. That was the response I dreaded. I still dreaded food. It was a sworn enemy to me. A demon that nags me. I worked so hard for what I have, gaining it back would mean failure. I'm not a failure. I wanted to prove the coaches wrong, I wanted to show them that I wasn't a good for nothing kid. That I could achieve something. I sighed.
"No." I say and Oliver shook his head in disappointment.
YOU ARE READING
Relapse;Signs
Teen FictionTW Allen and Adrian were competitive gymnasts for many years of their lives. When Allen was 12, a coach made him re think everything, and sent him down a destructive path, for Adrian, a spinal injury forces his departure from the sport, and in a...
