Karma ||H.S||

Chapter 19

Waking up next to Harry is by far my new favorite thing in the entire world. It's something that I could never grow tired of, and since the night we shared our first kiss, I've been lucky enough to wake up with him next to me every morning. Most days I wake up to him already awake, staring at me. Making me think that he feels like all of his dreams have come true, just by the way he looks at me. His smile being the first thing I get to see when I open my eyes. Nothing beats how this makes me feel. Getting to start each day like this, makes me feel like nothing in the world could ever bring me down. It's better than the first sip of coffee in the morning. Better than powerfully lyric-ed music in my headphones. It just makes me feel like every day is worth living just for this very first moment of the day.

But there's also mornings that I wake up before him, and I get to watch him sleep for a while before he opens his eyes. And in these moments, I get to think about the reasons I am so lucky to have him next to me. How the feelings I have for him continue to grow as my trust in him does. How easy it has been to just be me with him, and how he's allowed me to let all my walls down and be the person I used to be. Because even though there have been difficult times with us and I have my doubts, we fall back together so effortlessly.

Today is one of those days. As I lay in my bed with him sleeping soundly, I get to watch his tattooed chest move up and down with each breath he takes, his eyelids move as he dreams and how beautifully his curls fall into his face.

It was just a few nights ago that I was reminded of Ryan. The vision that played inside my head that seemed to suffocate me. He was there to try and ruin my life again. Although he plays such a huge part in the reason for who I am and how I perceive most everything around me, I have been learning to let the thought of him go and I'm able to live again. To trust again. To not be so afraid. And in that one instant, I let him back in. I'm determined to not let him take control over the progress I've made. I know that I'm stronger now.

That's why I never denied Harry access to the spot next to me in my bed at night. I was definitely tentative about it at first, but I knew that if I let this reminder of Ryan change anything between Harry and I, we would never be able to grow. We would continue to go in circles and have to start all over again every time, until he grew tired of having to try so hard with me. I couldn't do that to him, and I most certainly couldn't do that to myself.

I needed to push through my fears of being close to him. I knew that with my hesitancy of how I kissed him back over the last few days, that it was clear I had taken a step in the wrong direction, but I still tried to make it not so obvious--as much as I could anyways. The look in his eyes told me he was aware of my reluctance, but the one thing that I have loved about Harry, is that it's like he always understood me in a way that I needed him to, without ever having to explain myself. He never pushed me and always made sure that I was on the proper level of complacency that I should be before proceeding to kiss me the way he wanted to. Which I've found to be deep and complete with his need to have me as close as possible.

As I look at him this morning, fully content in his slumber, I'm liking the way he looks so innocent. The guy who has one night stands and uses girls for sex is nowhere to be seen. It's been a few weeks since I found out about him and Ruby and he has done nothing but prove to me every day that it is in fact me that he wants. It scares me a little to think that he can go from being someone who has sex with random girls to putting all of his attention on just me; Someone who can barely even kiss him properly at times, because I automatically assume he will go somewhere else to get what he wants. It is about ninety percent of the reason we're not in a relationship right now. But in this moment, there's no denying this innocent looking boy would ever do a single thing to hurt me.

He shifts his body onto his stomach and with the arm he has wrapped around me, he pulls me in closer to him. "Stop staring at me," he says sleepily, without opening his eyes.