Karma ||H.S||

Chapter 46

A part of me wishes Harry would stop me from leaving his room and follow me down the stairs, but I know better than to hope for something that is clearly just not in the cards right now. I broke his heart many moons ago, and he was right. I would forever be the one who hurt him the most. I could see this clear as day now, especially because Harry was—and is—my first love, and broken can't even describe the state my heart is in right now, feeling like I've lost him.

The last couple days, my mind has been in a place of hope when it comes to him. Thinking that we'd fall back together the way we always do. But being here and being reminded of what I had done to him and how I made him feel, is devastating. It was like a smack in the face; a wake up call. I knew I had broke him. And I had broken myself in the process. The remembrance of why I tried to commit suicide very apparent now. The world around me shattered as I lost everything in that one small moment in time, unable to come back from it. Losing myself in ways I never thought would happen again. That invisible notion of not being worthy of life is reappearing inside of me, realizing my demons have followed me here; resurfacing.

The reality of everything came crashing at me all at once. I lied to him. And it wasn't just a small lie, it was a big one. And despite the fact that my feelings for him were real, I could see why he would believe that every word I ever said to him wasn't true. And he knows that over the last few months even more lies were told. Even though so much of what I said and how I felt, was sincere, there was still a lot of dishonesty on my part that could have been avoided. I can easily see now, why he would so effortlessly not trust a word that came out of my mouth. Why would he? I'm just a liar, unable to explain why.

It's hard to know for sure how Harry is feeling at this particular moment. Did he really ever love me? Was this all really a lie? Because I can see him wanting to be the one to hurt me if he thinks I was in this for all the wrong reasons. Protecting himself from being the one who gets hurt. There is a good chance he really was just out to get his revenge on me. That he did play me the entire time. And I am getting exactly what I deserved. But I can't be certain of what the truth is at all.

He was sad. He was angry. His words sometimes didn't match up with his facial expressions. It's hard to decipher what's going on in his head, leaving everything unanswered. Confused is an understatement, because I still don't know anything, other than the fact that Jenny is behind part of it, and I need to get answers. Her involvement in all of this doesn't make sense to me whatsoever.

I know that I'm not thinking clearly as I walk down the stairs. Too many thoughts floating around in my head. Harry's Mom is sitting at the bottom, drinking tea. She turns around when she hears me sniffle, and stands up. I should be running out the door right now, wanting to get away from this dreadful moment, but my legs don't seem to really want to move. The energy sucked right out of me.

"Oh, hunny," she coos softly, opening her arms, insisting for me to let her hug me. I take her up on her offer, allowing myself to be wrapped up in her arms, not caring who it is. Just knowing that all I need is someone to take the pain away. "Everything will work out."

"It wont," I cry. "Too many things have gone wrong."

She rubs my back and squeezes me for a moment before letting me go to look at me. She wipes a tear from my face, keeping her eyes on mine. This woman is far too caring towards a girl that broke her son's heart and constantly lied to him. "You will figure it out. Couples don't fight the way you just did, unless there's something to fight for."

I start walking towards the door when I see Harry at the top of the stairs out of my peripheral vision. I don't look up to look at him, hoping he wont know I know he's there. "Just tell him I love him." I turn to open the door, trying to hold in my tears, holding onto the doorknob. This is the last time I'll be here. He sees that I'm leaving. Maybe he'll say something if I just wait a minute.