Karma ||H.S||

Chapter 48

--Harry--

The day I found out about the dare and walked away from Paisley, was one of the hardest days of my life. Walking away from the girl I loved most, no matter how mad I was at the time, was difficult. I walked away from someone I thought was going to be my life for a hell of a lot longer than one month and I hated that it ended the way it did, not giving her a moment to explain. But I know now, that watching that same girl walk away from me, madly in love with her all over again, was harder than that day ever was, especially because of the tears she had in her eyes. 

I'm having a hard time believing anything anymore. When Jenny told me that Paisley knew who I was since Christmas break, it shouldn't have surprised me as much as it did. She was different in so many ways after she told me that she saw Jenny, and it made sense as to why she wanted to run from them when she saw them at Milestone's downtown. She didn't want me to find out she knew who I was and Jenny's big mouth would have spilled everything and it clearly would have been a repeat of the first time. 

Her confidence was heightened. She was back to being herself. The girl I knew in high school. And she had even called me a nerd. Said I could never hide that fact from her. She was testing me and I was blind to it all. I don't know why I can never see through her with this. I always thought she was shit at lying, and yet somehow she got the biggest one past me again. 

Although I love her far more than I ever did in high school, I knew for some reason I had to be cautious when it came to saying it to her. There was something inside of me, warning me not to say those words to her, even though she said them to me this time. But God, did I want to tell her. I wanted to scream out to the world that I loved this girl more than anything. She was my everything, and even knowing I told her that, makes me cringe right now.

This whole situation kills me. She played me once again, while I was falling in love with her. I didn't want to be such a dick to her about it, especially because of how many tears she cried in front of me, but I'm so mad about it all, I can't help it. I'm assuming those tears were simply because her secret was out and she didn't have a clue as to what to do. It's this vicious cycle we play with each other. She hurts me. I hurt her. It never ends. And I haven't got a clue as to where my loyalties lie anymore. 

I wanted to believe her when she said her feelings for me are real, and that she really didn't know who I was until the day she walked into Mondo Gelato and saw me wearing my old glasses, but she has lied so many times, I'm at the point I don't know the difference between her lies and what the truth is anymore. If she was telling the truth, and really wanted for us to be together, why would she still keep secrets? She would have come right out and told me who gave her that awful black eye. It might have changed my mind about everything if she would have just opened up to me a little. But the fact that secrets are still clearly being kept, it's obvious she doesn't trust me as much as she once told me she did.

I'm confused. No. Confused in an understatement. I haven't got a clue at all, even more so after today's talks with Paisley. 

It's been a few hours since I found her sitting in her Dad's car outside of my house. I'm trying to keep up the charade that I was playing her this whole time so she can't see that my heart is in pieces. I don't want her to see that she's won again. I know that my actions and words are pitiful and thinking about it makes me want to punch myself in the face for being such a douchebag to her, even if I think she deserves it just a little. I'm probably going about this all the wrong way, but I don't know what to do. I don't know the right way to respond. I'm confused because I can see clear as day that she is unhappy right now, and I want more than anything to take her into my arms and tell her that I'm there, and that I love her and that everything will be okay, but it's not. She lied. She put on an act for months now and I don't know what to think.