Karma ||H.S||

Chapter 44

Song: Ed Sheeran - Photograph

The last couple of days have been excruciating. Being poked a prodded at, test after test, questioned by doctors and police. I just wanted to go home the whole time, but I suppose the uneasy experience that it has been, was all going to be worth it in the end. It was hard to tell my story and answer questions I was used to keeping inside of me, despite knowing that it would keep Ryan where he belonged, along with the rest of them that lived in that house, just for being involved in the drug business and everything else they have all done.

I was trying desperately to stay strong. To keep the anger heightened so that the broken parts of me wouldn't show. It was hard to pin point exactly how I was feeling, because there was a plethora of different thoughts coursing through me at all times that I thought I would understand, but I don't.

It didn't make sense when, this morning Dad told me that Ryan and the whole lot had been charged with a lot more than I ever thought imaginable, and hearing it didn't phase me at all. I shrugged and basically shut off my hearing when the mention of court dates came up. I didn't want to think anymore. I didn't want to remember. I didn't want to believe this was what my life had come to yet again. And although finally, I had done the right thing, getting over it and dealing with it all, seemed impossible.

I had worked so hard the last time to get better. And although this time it only happened once, one time is all it takes to bring me back to the start. At the moment, I don't think I have it in me to even try. I just want to lay in my room in a ball with the curtains shut, under the covers of my warm bed, and hide away from the world forever.

Dad hasn't said anything since we got in the car. I'm thankful that I'm finally able to go home. Two days in the hospital is far too long. I can tell that Dad is afraid to say the wrong thing. The look on his face every time he looked at me over the last couple days was devastating. And I can tell now, that he feels like he's walking on eggshells already.

"What would you like for dinner?" Dad asks, as we walk into the house. "I can whip up some spaghetti quick, or order chinese food—"

"I'm fine," I tell him quietly. "I'm not hungry."

"You need to eat—"

I know there's going to be no arguing with him right now. He's going to make me eat regardless of what I say, and I really don't have the energy to fight with him on it. "Fine. I'm going to shower."

Despite the fact that it was just a few days ago I was last in this house, it feels like lifetimes have passed. What a difference a few days can make. I left as one person and came back as someone new. But not the good kind of new. The second-hand kind, chipped in a few places and not in the least bit shiny anymore. And as I look into the bathroom mirror, I realize I don't have a clue as to who the girl is staring back at me. The girl I was just starting to be is long gone, replaced with a ghastly representation of a girl, lost somewhere inside her head with nothing but cruel images to remind her that her life is simply nothing but a waste.

The swell around my eye is almost gone, but the black and blue state of it, is still very distinct. I know that no amount of cover up will come close to hiding it, and at this point, there's no point in trying to hide anything. It still hurts to move, not nearly as much as a few days ago, but enough to still make me cringe as I take my clothes off to get into the shower in front of the mirror. So many bruises. My body blotched in colors that should never exist on skin. At least not as much as I'm seeing at this very moment. A tear falls from my eye, and I quickly wipe it away to avoid more tears from following.

I make my way down the stairs, wet hair and a nice pair of snuggly pajamas when I'm finished in the bathroom. It feels nice to be clean. To be in the comfort of my old home, despite it being filled with boxes. And although I'm really not in the mood to talk to anyone, even Dad, it's still a good feeling to be here with him right now. Safe. I can't ask for anything more at the moment. I'm just hoping he allows for the silence to continue.