Karma ||H.S||

Chapter 32

---Paisley---

It has been a long time since I've set foot on Vancouver Island. As soon as Harry and I are driving from the ferry port, I'm so in awe that I'm here again, that all I can do is stare out the window, unable to say anything. It's rather warm for it being December, but not really all that surprising for an island winter, and so we roll the windows down, consuming ourselves in the dampness of the rain that's just let up. The air feels different than it does in California and the instant aroma, that I could only ever describe as the Island, makes my whole body perk up at the realization that I'm home.

The last time I drove along this long stretch of road, where the only thing in sight is trees and road, I was going in the opposite direction, with both of my parents, moving away from here. My failed suicide attempt—the main reason for our move—only happened a couple weeks prior. Something that I can remember like it was yesterday.  A moment in time where you feel everything and numb at the same time, when all that you feel around you is nothing. When your thoughts aren't your own, but you're lost in your head. And when there's nothing left, and life has sucked all the air out of your lungs, you know there's only one answer. And that is to end it all.

It's weird to be reminded of this at such a time, as I drive back to the place I used to call my home, with someone who means so much to me. Someone who makes me feel, and I mean really feel, every emotion, in a way I never thought I could. I could never imagine not living the life I have now. Not being able to breathe him in the way I do. To know that there was a chance I never would have gotten to experience him at all, makes me sad, despite what I had to go through to get to him.

As I look at him from the passenger seat, I am very aware of the fact that he saved me. He saved me without even trying. The life he brought back into me, the happiness in the way my heart feels like it's dancing inside of my chest when he's near me. I could never express how grateful I am that I found him when I did, when I needed him  the most. Things have never been easy with him, but at the same time, nothing has felt easier.

As we drive closer into the city, I am reminded of the life I used to have. The mess at the end, that seemingly made me want to end my life; The mess that's lost somewhere with other memories I know are missing, is even more so nowhere to be found now that we're so close to home, and good memories force their way into my mind. I had a great life here. The recollection making me miss Mom even more, seeing places we used to go together, as we drive passed them. I wish more than anything, now that we're here, that we never had to leave.  As much as I remember always wanting to get out, I can't for a second, even imagine why I would've wanted to. It's so beautiful here and refreshing.

"Are you excited?" Harry asks. "I mean, to be here? I'm having a hard time figuring out what you're thinking."

"I love it here, but I think I'm nervous," I answer, pulling my beaning on and fixing my hair in the mirror. "It's strange. I never thought I'd come back here—I'm happy to be here—It just feels like a lot to take in, I guess. I don't know—I miss my Mom—"

"I'm sure she's proud of you, ya know," he tells me, squeezing my hand. "For everything you've accomplished at college so far. And she's probably smiling, knowing you're back here."

I look over at him and give him a small smile. Mom loved it here. I'm more than certain the reason I loved this place so much is because of her. How she made everything about it, home. How her beautiful smile always reached her eyes when she looked into the ocean, like the ocean was the most romantic place on earth and held onto all the memories her one amazing life had experienced. I was always proud to be her daughter. She wasn't like all the other mom's of the kids I went to school with. She was easy going and never put pressure on me to be someone I didn't want to be. I never had to be perfect. She was happy with me being exactly who I was and I was thankful for that everyday, having to live with my friends being the way they were, undoubtedly because of the families they grew up with.