Karma ||H.S||

Chapter 26

There is supposed to be a time and a place meant for crying, but apparently my emotions couldn't really care less about that over the last few days. I wanted more than anything to be as strong as I tried to be the day he walked out the door. Even to be able to pretend that I was would be ideal. But the slightly broken feeling I couldn't shake, seemed to keep getting the better of me; At the worst possible times, I might add.

I was on the way to being stronger and learning to trust easier. I was close to feeling like nothing could break me, but I wasn't quite there yet, and it's very apparent to me now that if someone breaks me in the process of all of this, I shatter twice as hard.

I know that my unhappiness isn't all because of Harry. Although I wish more than anything that it was. He brought back the pain I was once very used to. The pain I would live with on a daily basis. The pain I always thought I deserved. Although I can't remember the reason I felt like I deserved it in the past, I know that the reasons I deserve it this time are very different than they were then. But the pain still feels the same—like I lost a piece of me. Just this time, that piece of me, was someone else.

I knew that he was right. That we needed this time to figure out why we always lied to each other. Why it was, that somehow, no matter what, we always ended up hurting each other, and most importantly, why I couldn't trust him as much as I said I did. I know my reasoning for my trust issues and for my hesitance for just about everything, but I can't imagine how hard it must be for Harry to not understand my faults when it comes to this.  

My secrets. The reason I lie. I don't need to figure out why I lie to him. I already know why. And it really isn't that I lie a lot. It's more that I withhold information that would probably be beneficial to whatever it is that we are. I need to figure out a way to let my walls down and just be with him the way he wants me to be. To not allow my defenses get the better of me, because I know that I want to be with him. I want things to work out. But I don't ever want him to know the reasons for my defenses. I don't want to ever have to explain to him that my nightmares are made up of a reality I wish was never mine, and that reality is the reason for me being the way that I am.

Being around Harry has been extremely hard on my emotions. I struggled with him sitting next to me in class, with the way he would look at me with his concerned gaze every time I would wipe away the tears that I was losing the fight with to keep in. It hurt every time he tried to follow me and I had to tell him not to. I hated that he was right next door to me and I couldn't do a thing about it. I needed to distance myself from him, because if it were up to him, he'd still eat lunch with me every day and try to make me laugh with his dumb jokes and talk to me like nothing bad ever happened between us. Despite not wanting to take this break, if he is going to figure out anything the way he seemed pretty adamant about doing, he had to do it without me by his side. I think the worst thing though, was my nightmares returning in full swing and not having Harry next to me to calm me down when I was startled awake and afraid of the world around me. But it's just another thing on the list that I need to get a hold of without having Harry help me with it.

Nova agreed to take her spot back in our room again, to allow Harry to sleep in his own bed, in his own room, while we take this "time out" from each other. Although it's been nice to have her back as much as she was there before, I could tell that my nightmares were already driving her crazy and she was having a hard time dealing with me having them; Mostly because she was losing sleep because of it.

With it now being four nights in a row that I've had to relive my dreadful past while I sleep, I'm laying in the dark forcing myself to keep my tired eyes open. I know it wont be long until I wont be able to keep them open any longer, seeing as I haven't slept much this week and the exhaustion from being cursed with way too much school work due to it being the end of the year.