dear diary ✧ phan

January 5th, 2018

Dear Phil,

I don't know why I'm bothering to write this, since I know you will probably never get it. If you do, I won't understand how. But I guess it's worth a try - that's what you always told me when I was doubting something.

Why did you do this, Phil? I thought everything was okay and that we were happy. We were a family! But you left me when I needed you the most? If this is to get back at me for when I left you three years ago, then great - I've suffered long enough now. But do you know what makes things worse? You obviously have no intentions of coming back. I regret what I did every single day because regardless of what happened, I still loved you. I only wanted you. Yet, you couldn't have made it more clear that you feel next to nothing for me anymore, else you wouldn't have cheated. I can't believe you would do such a thing.

Out of everyone, I think I feel the most guilty for Dil. He doesn't know what's going on, he's far too young to understand. How could you just snatch him away from one of his parents because of some stupid fucking mistake you have made? If anything, he should be with me. I wouldn't betray him the way you've betrayed me.

I want to hate you but I can't. I'm too deeply in love with you to feel anything but love and admiration when I think about you. Sure, I'm mad, but nothing too extreme. And it scares me because I've never felt this way about anyone. Before I met you I didn't really feel anything; I was just used by other people who were desperate to feel something. I guess all I wanted was to feel loved but I never had that feeling. Until I met you.

You changed something inside of me, Phil, and when I'm with you I feel things that are inexplainable. It's like when I look at you, everything else becomes a blur because the only thing I see is you, and nothing else around us matters. I thought that, for a while, maybe you felt the same way towards me. What went wrong, Phil? Was it something I did?

I guess this is the last thing you'll hear from me. I'm being discharged within the next few days but I won't be going home. If I don't have you, there's nothing left for me. I thought you'd have at least called, but I've heard nothing. I'm sorry I couldn't be better for you, Phil. I'm sorry I didn't try harder. Maybe now things will get better for you. I hope you end up happy, whatever you go on to do. And look after Dil, please never leave him. I'm sure he loves you twice as much as you love him.

And remember, no matter what. I will always love you.

Love,

Dan x