dear diary ✧ phan

January 9th, 2018

Dear Diary,

I texted Phil. We're meeting up once I'm out of here. He's refusing to tell me where he is. He's reassured me that he's within an hour's distance, though. As mad as I am, I'm glad he's not gone too far. But we have a lot to discuss, and im not going to run back to him with open arms. I'm not as forgiving as he was with me.

I can't help but feel like he did it to get back at me for what I did not long after we first got together. Why would he do such a thing? He knows I'm sorry about what I did and that I'll never let myself forget it, surely he wouldn't bring it back again just to spite me? He's mature enough to know better - right?

I'm stuck in such a horrible position. I want to run back to him and hold him tight and tell him I love him. Yet, I also want to walk in the opposite direction and never look back. If it wasn't for Dil, I think I'd have already done that. But there seems to be too much potential in our little family that makes it too hard to just walk away, forget about erything and start a whole new life with someone else. Phil and I are married for god's sake; I am in love with him! I just hurt so much because of everything that's happened.

I keep getting flashbacks from the other night. I don't remember much of what happened; I remember being stood on the roof and staring down at everything. I've never been great with heights but for the first time in a while I actually felt alive. If the doctors hadn't got to me when they had, I'd have jumped. But I'm still here. Still alone. Still Dan.

Ever since I woke up, I haven't been able to think straight. I don't know what I want, but no matter what happens I can't get Phil out of my mind. It's going to drive me crazy. I need to see him. I need him.

I just can't help but worry that going back to him isn't going to be the right decision..

Signing out,

Dan :(