dear diary ✧ phan

January 12th, 2018

As I sit in the corner of the cafe, gazing lazily out of the window, I don't notice as Phil enters and begins walking towards me with Dillon in his arms.

"Hey," he greets me uncertainly. "It's good to see you."

I look him up and down and nod. "You too. Can I have him?" I ask, gesturing to the small child asleep in his arms.

Phil nods and immediately hands Dil to me. I instantly feel more relaxed when I feel him against my chest, reminding me that he still belongs to me just as much as Phil. Regardless of anything that happens, he's still my son.

"So," Phil mumbled awkwardly as he sat opposite me. "I guess I have some explaining to do."

I chuckle. "Yeah, only a lot."

"Okay, well.. I'll start from the beginning.

In July, a new person began working at the shop. They're probably around your age, if not slightly older. He knew I was married and I had no intentions of anything happening; not once did I look at him in that way, and that's a promise. But do you remember that work party I went to when I didn't come home until like four in the morning?"

I nod.

"He was there. We spent a lot of the evening together and we both got a bit too drunk. He came onto me and I tried to stop him but I couldn't. I don't know what came over me. I don't know why I didn't try harder to stop him, because the entire time all I could think about was you and Dil. I knew I was betraying the two of you yet I couldn't find the strength to push him away.

Things have been shit recently, Dan. I'm sure you can agree. You and I, we just don't seem the same as we once were. I know things are stressful and they get hard at times but we need to stick together. It sounds hypocritical when I'm the one who betrayed your trust but please, please trust me when I say you're all I want."

I rolled my eyes. "How long was it going on for?"

"I-" Phil began, but I cut him off.

"How long?!" I snapped, feeling only slightly guilty when I felt Dil tense up in shock in my arms.

Phil looked to the floor. "Four months."

I could've sworn I felt my heart plummet into my stomach. Knowing he'd cheated was bad enough, but to know it had been going on for so long? It was tearing me apart.

"Four months?" I managed to whisper in disbelief. I wanted to cry but I refused to cry in front of him. He'd only try to sympathise with me and the last thing I wanted was his sympathy.

"I'm sorry, Dan. I am so so sorry. It wasn't meant to happen."

"You weren't meant to be fucking someone behind my back when you knew I was at home, caring for our child and loving you to death? Save your excuses. Go back to him. He clearly has more to offer to you than I can. I'm sorry I couldn't be good enough."

I stood up and handed Dillon back to Phil before buttoning up my coat. As I began to walk away, I turned back to look at him.

"I may have been a bad person, Phil. I may have been disgusting. But I've really been trying to improve and get better. I thought you of all people would understand. Obviously my efforts were wasted. You've made it clear I'm not what you want anymore. Man, it really fucking sucks to love someone who doesn't love you back. I hope he feels the same about you. It'd be such a shame for your feelings to be destroyed, too."

As soon as I was out of his eyesight, I broke down. I cried all the way home. I hoped he wouldn't follow me back. The last thing I wanted was a confrontation. With every step further I took away from him, I could feel my heart shatter a little bit more. There was nothing left for me anymore. It was over.

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A/N: I hope you guys liked the change of writing style just for this chapter. Next chapter it'll go back to Dan's diary entries, but I felt it was better to write this way for the context of the chapter to make more sense. Do you think Dan's made the right decision or do you think he should give Phil another chance?

Love you guys :-)