Sweaters || Malum

Chapter 13

Song for the chapter: Missing You by All Time Low

Trigger warning..

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That night, after Luke left, I was alone. I was in the bathroom, sitting on the toilet with my blade in hand. My sweatshirt was off.

I was crying again, as I seemed to do far too often. I just looked down at the mess I have made, wondering if I should do it again. Maybe there is a chance for happiness, but I was just not achieving it. I was too distraught to really focus on anything else.

In frustration I put the razor on the sink and get up. I leave the bathroom and go over to my desk, leaning against it. I was breathing heavily while trying to get myself to calm down.

I scream out and knock everything off my desk and then wrap my arms around myself and continue to cry. I go downstairs in my frustration, and go immediately outside. It was dark so I did not care about my sweatshirt. I needed fresh air.

"Calum?" I hear and I look up, seeing Michael standing in front of me with white roses. The outside light was on. Of course this happens to me. "Oh m-my gosh." He says, dropping the bouquet and looking at my arms.

I look at him with teary eyes and try going inside but he grabs my hand firmly. "Let me go!" I cry out.

He does and I go inside, but he follows me. My inability to breathe and my foggy mind led me to not fully comprehend what was happening. I was sobbing and consciously, I knew he saw my arms.

It was my own little secret.

"C-Calum." Michael says. He just sits down and forces me to be near him. My head was on his lap as he quiets me and wipes away my tears. After a few minutes my tears have stopped and I was staring blankly around the room.

Quietly I asked him, "You hate me, right?"

He gently runs his cold fingers down my cuts and I wince a bit as he does. "Of course n-not, Calum. I-I am just scared for you, I d-don't want anything b-bad to happen." He whispers and I sit up. 

"You're the first person to know." I tell him with a small smile, of course it was forced.

"You need t-to get help. C-Calum these d-don't look like scratches, they are s-so deep." He tells me, a couple tears falling from his beautifully colored eyes. I frown and it was my turn to wipe away his tears.

I shake my head and respond, "I can't. I can't tell anybody, Michael." 

"F-Fine. You know that I-I won't make you. B-But Calum, I don't want t-to lose you." Michael stutters, glancing at my arms. I nod a bit and do the same.

The past scars, the depth of them, the word 'failure' still carved into my flesh. I understand his fright.

"I won't off myself, Michael. Cutting doesn't mean suicide." I reply. It was almost a really heavy weight that had been taken off my shoulders. The fact that somebody knows and I think, I think, they care.

I hope Michael cares about me. "It c-could be an accident." Michael quickly tells me.

"Michael, believe in me. I'll be okay."

Deep inside, I knew it was a lie. I was never okay, I haven't been since I was fourteen years old. Not since my father started to hit me, not since I started cutting. I have felt like I have been going insane. "B-But I came over here t-to ask you a question." Michael changes the subject.

I nod and ask, "What?"

"I-I got the flowers and everything, I even had a-a speech p-planned out. But I guess I should j-just do it now. C-Calum, do you want t-to be my b-boyfriend? You d-don't have to but.." Michael trails off, and despite the worried frown on his face I saw the glimmer of hope in his eyes.

"Even with my flaws?" I question. I felt extremely self-conscious with my arms showing in front of people.

He holds my hand gently and says, "Those are physical f-flaws, b-but I like you for who you are o-on the inside."

I felt giddy as I nodded my head rapidly. I still felt like an emotional wreck, but I was happy. I don't remember the last time I ever truly felt happy around anybody but Luke. Michael stood up and I did the same. He gives me a  hug and he asks; "Are you ever g-going to c-cut again?"

I frown, knowing he can't see me. I close my eyes and reply, "I promise I won't."

I was completely aware that I was lying. I was aware that I was going to do it again, but he can't know that. People who have never done it sometimes assume that it is easy to just ask them to not do it and it will be easy. If they still do it, then it is because they want to.

But I don't want to. I do it because I need to. The craving for it is sometimes overwhelming. But I tell Michael that I will be fine, and maybe one day I will. But at the moment I still had a plan in mind.

I hear Michael laugh a bit and I pull away from the hug. He says, "Ashton's g-going to m-murder you when he finds out. H-He is v-very overprotective of m-me."

He had a large grin on his face and I roll my eyes at his innocence. "You're worth being murdered for." I jokingly respond. He just nods and I felt the awkwardness between the both of us. It was a nice awkwardness, though.