Sweaters || Malum

Chapter 29

Song for the Chapter: Welcome to my Life by Simple Plan (Highly recommend listening to it while you read this)

This chapter is sad and a trigger warning

*Day of the Talent Show*

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I was sitting with Mr. Carp in the band room while he helped my tune my acoustic guitar. I was nervous and I had been in here for over an hour. I heard people out in the auditorium, along with people doing their talent.

"So what are you singing, Cal?" Mr. Carp asks me.

"You'll see." I quietly tell him with a forced smile.

I kept myself almost emotionless. I had the program almost memorized and I knew that somebody named Gary when right before me with a dance act. So when I heard his name called, I stood up. "Good luck out there." Mr. Carp tells me with a smile. I don't respond, but I quietly sneak out of the band room and go up behind to backstage. I heard music blaring from a radio for a couple minutes before he was thanked and I was called to the stage. I gripped my guitar tighter until I heard people clapping so I knew I had to go on. So I did what I never thought I would. I gently placed the guitar down and unzip my dark coloured sweatshirt. The scars reveal themselves and I feel self-conscious as I grab my guitar and walk back out.

I walk out into the spotlight, looking out upon the student body, some parents, and then some teachers. I heard a couple people gasp as I look down, seeing how visible all my scars were in the bright lighting. "I'm going to be singing Welcome to my Life by Simple Plan." I say and receive no reactions from the audience. I see Ashton, Luke, and even Michael sitting in the front row looking up at me. I see Luke with his mouth agape, staring wide-eyed at all of the terrible marks written all over myself.

You may not know what it's like to be broken...

"Do you ever feel like breaking down, do you ever feel out of place..." I begin singing, faking my overall confidence. I felt almost every stare, and for this I did not anticipate. Everybody's seemingly cold stares on me as the familiar lyrics flowed out of my mouth.

I bring my attention to Michael and we make eye contact as I go into the chorus, "To be hurt, to feel lost, to be left out in the dark. To be kicked, when you're down, to feel like you've been pushed around. To be on the edge of breaking down and no one's there to save you..."

I kind of related this lyric to Michael for the situation that he and I were in. I shouldn't have felt so low of him for this. I am the one that said the words that hurt him. As I continue singing I see Michael look away from me.

Then I look at Luke, and I see the guilty expression written on his face. "With their big fake smiles and stupid lies, while deep inside you're bleeding.." 

He looks away from me this time. I close my eyes as I sing the chorus again, my hand doing the repetitive motion of strumming of the guitar. And even though Ashton was never really my friend, hardly an acquaintance, I never expected him to do something so drastic for the unknown factor of him loving Michael.

So I reopen my eyes, the song continuing naturally. I look at Ashton and we make eye contact, similar to what happened with Michael a minute ago. "No one ever lied straight to your face, and no one ever stabbed you in the back. You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay. Everybody always gave you what you wanted, you never had to work it was always there..."

Ashton looks away sheepishly and my confidence levels were raising as the lyrics seemed to be empowered by my voice. "Welcome to my life..." I sing the last couple lines, repeating the same phrase quietly.

I felt a weight being lifted off of my shoulders, knowing what was soon to come. Everybody clapped and through the applause and people standing for me; I said "That was my suicide note." 

Through the crowd I don't think it was heard and I didn't care. I just wanted people to know, without even hearing my own words. I exit the stage, leaning my guitar up against the wall and opening the doors of the auditorium without another thought. No doubt in my mind for what I was about to do.

It was Saturday, and the sun was bright and the air was still cold as I walked home. My phone begins to buzz but I ignore it. It buzzes again and I curiously look at it, and it was a call from Michael. Two missed calls now. I began to think he might have heard me or may be having suspicions for my intentions. So I run.

The gashes on my leg bothered me, but I just kept running. My phone buzzes twice more. I unlock the door and slam it shut, happy that nobody was home. I quickly go up the stairs and place my phone on my desk. I go to the bottom drawer that I never used and grabbed out the very thing I thought was perfect a few weeks ago.

A rope.

I grab the other thing I bought, a pull up bar. I knew damn well not a lot would hold me from the ceiling so I wasn't going to try anything but a pull up bar because it was designed to hold body weight. My phone buzzes again. 

I take the automatic screwdriver out of my desk and open up the cardboard and plastic as quickly as I could. The screws fall out in a plastic bag.

A minute later, my arms were numb but the bar was screwed tightly into the ceiling. I grab a hold of the bar and lift my legs up from the chair I was standing on. My phone buzzes again.

I place my feet down because the bar wasn't budging. I throw the rope around the bar and make a tight knot, thankful for my practice of tying a noose. I do this quickly and slightly shakily. I never thought the day would come soon enough, the day I would be gone. I step off the chair and look at my handy work. I go into the bathroom, turning on the light. I look at myself in the mirror one more time. The faint scars on my face, my big nose, my off coloured skin, my uninteresting eyes. I frown and turn the light off. I step onto the chair and bring the noose around my neck. I take a deep breath in, terrified of what was about to come.

I step off the chair and pressure is immediately placed on my neck and my air is cut off. I see my phone buzz again and I look at the contact photo I had of Michael.

"I-I love you." Michael whispers to me.

"I d-don't ever want t-to l-lose you." Michael tells me with a large smile on his face.

At this time I begin to struggle. It took until the seventh call to realize that I may be throwing away the most important thing to me: Michael. I try to find my footing on the chair and it falls back, hitting the ground with a thump.

My phone rings again, for the eighth and last time. I reach above my head weakly, my brain throbbing from lack of oxygen. I try pulling my body weight up to loosen the noose but I couldn't and I was trapped. Until I heard his voice, "Calum!" It was in obvious panic. I wanted to respond but I couldn't, and my vision cuts out as I close my heavy eyes.