** Hey guys this is part one my review of Zimbabwe and just random stuff i noticed while i was there. Please read and hopefully you'll come to Zimbabwe one day. This is hopefully going to be filled with jokes that you will laugh at**
Introduction! (boring but important parts)
What is Zimbabwe most of you must be wondering? Well, it is a landlocked country located in the southern part of the African continent, between the Zambezi and Limpopo rivers. It is bordered by South Africa to the south, Botswana to the southwest, Zambia to the northwest and Mozambique to the east. Zimbabwe has three official languages: English, Shona and Ndebele. Blah blah blah (copied and pasted from wikepedia).
let me tell you a little bit about how a Zimbabwean family works:
On your mother’s side: all your mother's sisters are also your mothers and therefore their children are your brothers and sisters. Your mum's older sisters would be called maiguru (big mum) and the little sisters mainini (little mum). Their children which are older that you will be your mukoma + their names (for boys) and sisi + name (for girls). the younger kids are just known by their names.
All your mothers brothers are your grandpa's (sekuru) and their wives would be your grandma (mbuya). Their male children will also be your sekurus too but their female children will be your maininis. Don’t ask me why but that's how it is. You must adress your sekuru's children as mainini blah blah blah or sekuru blah blah blah.
On your father's side: All your father's sisters are your aunties ( tete). Their children will call you mainini if you're a girl and sekuru if you're a boy. They are your children weird huh? I have cousins who are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay older than me who have to call me mainini. It’s funny.
Anyway... your father's brothers will be you dads. If they're younger than your dad they will be called ba'munini( little dad) and if they're older they'll be called ba'mukuru ( big dad) and their kids will be your brothers and sisters. Do you get it? Good good. Now onto the fun stuff :)
The fun stuff?
On my way back from the airport i almost died laughing. There was a giant poster that said “be a winner- defend yourself against HIV... Get circumcised today! Inappropriate i know but i couldn't help it. I don’t understand how that would help anything....
There was something i couldn't really shake off while i was at the airport. There were armed people everywhere. i nearly shat myself. Why were they there? Was something going to happen? It turns out they're just there for show. We Zimbabweans are not violent people.
Anyway on my way to our house i passed a lot of things that made me go oo and ahhh. The first was that there was like a lot of kids who looked about 5-7 years old walking around in their school uniforms with no adult supervision!
Also i saw a nandos! And do you know what? Nobody likes nandos there! I was like wtf? Nandos is the bomb! The only places people will eat at is like places like chicken inn, pizza in, bakers in and creamy in because they show wealth. I don't know why but it does.
I also noticed that food in Zimbabwe is a lot better than food in UK. for example, in UK i would never drink Fanta because i hate it but in zim that's all i drank. The ice cream is without a doubt the best. Do you know why? Because everything is made with care. There’s no machine to do the dirty work. People do it!!
When we were driving i noticed a lot of people putting their hands out to stop our car. So being the nosy curious person i was i asked Tete Vene what they wanted and she said they wanted a lift. I was like wtf? Why would i want a random stranger in my car? It turns out that people pay to get random lifts from strangers. later in my holiday this turned to be my normal mode of transport in and out of town and it's not because i didn't have a car but it was because Tete Vene preferred this...
In Zimbabwe there are massive rocks EVERYWHERE that are just scattered around. Most of them have things on them like “Jesus is a live" or something like that. Those rocks are where the freaky people in white have their church service.
If you ever go into town or you're just walking around you'll see that there'll be a line of people selling exactly the same thing at exactly the same price. this got really annoying because what are you meant to base your judgement on?
i also noticed that everyone is like old ladies on a bus. They all know each other. i don't know how many times people stopped us to talk to Tete Vene. There were even people who knew me and yet i knew nothing about them.
Talking about people and me, i got a lot of attention from people. I don't know what it was about me but everywhere i went there wasn't a single boy who didn't look at me or hit on me. It was so cool! But it sucked when i got back here because i didn’t get the attention i was used to. The boys were so "madly in love" that i never had to pay for anything! Everything was free for me. Though it got a little creepy when guys my dad's age were doing it too...
I noticed that there is a small percentage of hot guys in zim. All those who moved abroad to Australia, uk and America please go back!!
I noticed people watch what they eat because in zim, what you eat determines how high you are in the social hierarchy. For example people who eat in chicken inn are seen as richer and better than those who eat in food hut. This also goes for people who buy $1 bread as opposed to those who buy the $1 for two bread. to be honest i prefer the $1 for two even though my stomach doesn’t agree....
If you’re ever in zim don't use your car because then you're not experiencing the real Zimbabwe. Catch a combi or somebody else's car it's more fun albeit it being squashed up and cramped. But be careful when you're walking around in town because Zim people can't drive for shit...
I don't know how much i must stress to you, please do not drink the tap water unless you enjoy having diaria. to be honest with you, the hassle of having to boil water or buy bottled water got too much and i drank the water and let me tell you the results were not nice...
There are Jehovah’s witnesses there too! And they’re just as weird.
People are always breast feeding there it's like flipping boob mania! So if you don’t like boobs don't go!
i noticed that if you wear nice clothes you're already identified as a hoe or someone who thinks they're all that and a piece of pie.
If you don't watch out you'll get fat very quickly seeing as everything is laden with fat! I swear i gained way too much weight!
** ATTENTION: this was meant to be split up into part one and part two but because my phone deleted my notes (smh) it won't. i'm sorry and i had a lot planned out as well. maybe one day i will continue it ( probably for next time i go to zim). i'm sorry to dissapoint those who have been reading because i really liked this....**
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Come into my World
Non-Fictionthis is going to be a collection of my really short stories and just some of my thoughts and beliefs on the world. i would say it'll have poems but i'm not that kind of person....
