The Forgotten Adoption

Chapter 20 - Goodbyes

I closed the door quietly to a sleeping Lily and walked soundlessly up the hallway. Edward sat at the kitchen counter, nursing his whiskey and sighing deeply. I hopped up onto a stool and filled my shot glass with vodka. I stared at it as though it had the answers as to why my daughter reacted the way she did and what she mean't by 'you're moving away'. Where was Jack moving to? 

I had gotten out of my tight red dress when I got home from taking Zach home. He really didn't want to leave Lily by herself but she promised him that she would be okay.

My night was ruined the moment I saw Jack with that Danielle chick. Now, my night had gotten even worse. My daughter was having a nutter at my ex-boyfriend and I still had so many questions that no one seem to have the answers too.

Obviously, I under estimated how much Lily was affected by the break-up. She seemed so fine and seemed to be coping with it perfectly. I guess it was all just a façade so I wouldn't have to worry about her while I was trying to cope with my own fucked up emotions. 

I am such a fucking mess. My life is a drama novel in itself and I couldn't even get my shit together enough to realise my daughter was hurting. And the worse thing about this is that I don't even know if I have the emotional and mental capacity to deal with it. 

I feel like crying but my tear ducts are so overused they're taking a couple of days to rejuvenate before letting the dam burst again. How fucking sad! So for now I'm going to numb the ache in my chest with vodka and hope that does the trick better than crying does.   

I haven't felt happiness in so long I'm starting to think it was just a figment of my imagination. The last time I remember being genuinely happy was with Lily and Jack, when we went out for ice cream. It felt like my own little family. We had pieced everything together and I thought, 'Yep, I've cracked it. Now I can finally be happy.' But, as grandma Ivy would say, 'Happiness is a gift from god, always be thankful when you are happy.' I never knew what the old fart mean't until I realised how much I wanted Jack to always be happy; even if his happiness wasn't with me.

All I know is that I want Jack to be happy, but I don't want him to be happy without me. 

Is that love?

Wanting to see them happy even if there happiness is a result of someone else.

Ugh! 

I threw my drink down my throat and waited for the ache in my chest lessen. 

I took another shot and waited five minute in silence. Nothing.

And another one.

And another one.

And another. 

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. My chest still ached and now my mind had created a shrine of him, candles and all. I needed to forget his face and the way he made me feel; and happiness. 

I went to pour myself another shot when Edward stopped me.

"I think that is enough for now." Edward warned as he moved the bottle away from me. "Here, eat this. I made it when you were putting Lily to bed." He handed me a plate of sandwiches and I took them gratefully. 

We sat in silence once again. I sat munching on sandwiches and waiting eagerly for some pain relief in my chest. 

I guess I wasn't going to be getting out of this one as easily.  

Two hours had passed and Edward and I had made our way to the couches. Edward was still drinking his whiskey and I decided getting shit faced wasted wasn't going to be ideal for Lily when she woke up. So I sat drinking a cup of tea. We were watching a gangster drama movie Edward had picked, surprisingly enough it wasn't too bad.