a messy canvas

I'm Here for You [Phan]

Anger wasn't a typical emotion that overflowed within Phil Lester. The waves of anguish would usually dissolve before he could take notice of them but this time, it was different.

The source of the fuming flames toying in his mind were caused by some of his friends, who had stepped into territory they shouldn't have but didn't seem to fucking care.

"He said he was thinking about seeing a therapist, how screwed up could he be?"

"Who knows, maybe he's making the whole thing up to get his parents to finally give a shit about him."

He would've blown up on them right after the words were carelessly spilled out of their mouths, it was for the sake of who they were gossiping over that saved their asses.

They had the nerve to belittle Dan Howell, the kid they've known since they were four years old who's had a tough enough time with life as is. How they could okay with saying those things he would never understand, yet at the same time they didn't know the full story. They didn't know why.

Originally Phil was going to keep his lips sealed, it was better to keep the toxicity of school away from Dan. That was until he found out why he had really been absent from school that Thursday.

They had an unspoken tradition of no matter the circumstances meeting at the park a few blocks from Dan's house after school. The two were discussing their days as they gazed upon the clouds in the sky when the brunet confessed his reasonings.

"I had an anxiety attack when I woke up this morning, I was too scared I'd have another one in school so I just didn't go."

"Why didn't you text me during the day, I would've liked to help you feel better." Phil spoke gently.

"I know, I just couldn't bring myself to admit that it was getting this bad..I didn't want to burden you with my pity problems."

"You're never a burden to me Dan."

"You'd think I'd realize that but I just get so worked up over the stupidest shit and.."

"Hey, don't beat yourself up..it's okay."

"I just don't want to be screwed up in the head anymore, it's no wonder my parents couldn't care less about me."

"How you manage to do that I'll never know Dan Howell.." Phil muttered absentmindedly.

"How I manage to do what?"

"You basically took the words right out of their mouths and I hate it, that you have to deal with people that can't see the wonders that make you you, all they can focus on is what they'll never understand."

"What are you talking about?" Dan questioned.

"I wasn't going to tell you because it was just ignorant bullshit and you don't need any of that.."

"For crying out loud Phil, just tell me!"

"Tanya was telling Alfie during lunch about how you told her you were considering going to see a therapist, and he took it in a direction he shouldn't have.."

"I knew I should've just kept my mouth shut.."

"Dan that's not why I didn't say anything, I'm proud of you for admitting that you may need help..you're turning a shitty situation around for yourself and if they can't see that then fuck them, they don't deserve to have you in their lives."

"Damn, way to go deep on me there Philly." Dan responded with a giggle. "Thank you though, really."

"That's okay."

"So say I really wanted to talk to someone, would you mind coming with me?"

"Not at all, I'm here for you."

One Month Later..

To say that Dan was on edge over this would be the ultimate understatement. The entire atmosphere of this place was like a sense of deja vu with the eerie type of quiet that made the pounding of your heart that much more noticeable and the tugging feeling in the pit of your stomach that came with the fear of the unknown, of not being aware of how matters were going to be.

"If you feel uncomfortable just let me know and we can go, the control's in your hands Dan." Phil reminded him with a smile.

"I-I'm okay, honest."

"Alright, you're doing good."

In the past thirty days, the two had gone through a lot together. Even with Phil's warning of sorts over the lack of support some of their friends showcased in Dan's search to better his mental health, things between the group slowly turned sour.

Dan and Phil found better people to surround themselves with, but the struggles Dan had with his anxiety were still raging on. This would be the third therapist Dan will have attempted to connect with and he was slowly realizing that this wasn't as easy as he thought originally, but by no means was he giving up.

"Daniel Howell?" a female voice called out. "Dr. Samson will see you now."

"You want me to come with you?" Phil asked softly, giving his friend's slightly shaking hand a reassuring squeeze.

"I'll be fine, if things go sour I'll come right back."

"Okay, I'll be here."

As Dan returned to the waiting area with a small smile a hour after his departure, that was when Phil figured it'd be safe to think that maybe things could finally be looking up for the boy he cared so deeply for.

For the record, I just needed someone to be the 'bad friends' in this and I by no means think poorly of Alfie or Tanya. (Idk I just felt the need to make that clear.)