a messy canvas

Letter to a Stranger [Phan, Part II]

When Dr. Nilsen handed me a carefully folded piece of paper with the fuzzy pieces you'd associate with a spiral notebook evidently sticking out, my look of bafflement must've been obvious due to the light laugh that escaped her system.

"It's the letter from another patient of mine I told you about, remember we discussed this last time we spoke?"

"I didn't forget; I just wasn't expecting to receive it so soon." I admitted once I gathered my thoughts together. "You only told me about a week ago.."

"Well, I suppose the composer was eager to get to know you." Dr. Nilsen replied. "Now before you try and jump into what's been written for you, let's catch up on how you've been."

This particular session wasn't one of my best, all I could think about for most of it was what content would be placed before my eyes when I took the crisp paper and made the mystery behind it disappear.

There's nothing quite like the patter of rain across your windshield just as you entered the driver's seat of your car to encourage you in taking a moment to appreciate the little things. Based on how my life has been playing out recently, I surely haven't done that enough.

I could've gotten soaking wet by a downpour, yet all the weather had in store was a quiet drizzle. This unknowingly served as a reminder that I was allowed to hit pause on this whirlwind of pushing myself to constantly be moving.

There couldn't of been a more perfect setting to read the letter I set in the passenger's seat.

As my eyes took in the words so carefully scribbled, I couldn't help but think of something I had said during my first session with Dr. Nilsen four months ago.

"No one on the face of the planet would be able to understand what it's like to feel the way I do.."

She must've thought out this grand scheme of proving me wrong the minute I stepped out of her office that too warm May afternoon. Sure, over the course of her and I getting to know one another to where trust could be built I had torn down some of my many barriers; what I was reading now took every ounce of that and multiplied its impact by one hundred.

This was someone being so open about their demons, and they didn't even have a clue about who I was or what I was facing. As I reached the end, my immediate thought was that the bursts of gentle and careful kindness this angel who was so wrongly pushed around in the darkness of this world gave me was something I would never be able to acquire from someone else.

Even though I would never be capable of giving Phil the same thing, the least I could do was give him a letter in return. My attempts before the one I'm about to show you were atrocious; the smears of ink across the notebook paper due to the curse of being left handed were painful to look at. I don't know how this one came out as nicely as it did; I'd like to think it was how Phil's honest message to me stuck around in my brain the entire time I was creating my own for him and how I hoped I could give him something meaningful as well.

Alright, that's more than enough blabbing on from me. Here's the response I put together.

You rendered me absolutely speechless within the contents you'd written on notebook paper, that my friend is an amazing quality you should hold on to. Why is this such a momentous accomplishment? My mind never seems to stop spinning with must dos I am forced to fulfill; while I was reading your words so carefully strung together it was as if time had stopped and I was finally able to breathe. For that I want to give a sincere thank you, because I never would've earned that relief if it wasn't for you.

I want to go for a similar format as you did; I'm not trying to intimidate your work, I just want to ensure what I'm bringing to the table is understandable.