Soul Mate | Kylo Ren x Reader

17 | Love

It was safe to say—or at least admit to yourself—that all you had been thinking about was the near kisses.

The thought of it made you feel bummed out, it was confusing all together that you craved the feeling of his lips against your own.

Was this how it felt before?

You couldn't quite remember, after all, there were still a lot of memories that were 'missing'.

Huffing at the thought, you took your last bite of the stew before placing the spoon in the empty bowl. When were you going to remember your past with Kylo... Ben?

It was itching at your skin, the desire to learn, remember, more of what you two once had. But this meant confronting him, did Kylo really want you to remember? Or was he too afraid of you seeing the past and expecting it to be the same now?

Sighing as you pushed the bowl away from you, leaning in the chair,  your thoughts were instantly ripped from you. "Do you want another bowl?" Alastair nearly snorted, seeing as you were now finishing your third serving of the stew he had made; although you had no clue as to what was in it, your starvation made it seem exceedingly delicious.

"I'm good..." You waved a hand, standing up from your seat and insisting you could help clean up the mess of dishes, but he pleaded that you not, saying he was afraid the wound on your hand would get worse.

"Whatever you say..." Turning on your heel, your thoughts had trailed back to those of Kylo, only to shift back to Alastair. "Why?"

"Why what?" He turned to you with a confused expression.

"Why did you want to save me? You were the one who kidnapped me and caused this-" You pointed to the small scar on your forehead. "So why the sudden change of heart?" You curiously asked, seeing Alastair lower his head as he had eyed the small scar.

"I guess that was it... a change of heart. I don't know, all my life... all I knew about was survival, taking whatever extremes it is to keep myself alive. I can't say it was easy, it was a tough ride to get here, but even so... it was terrible, now that I realize it, what I did to be in this position—living with Viktor and Kali. He made us do things, not kill—I'd never do that—but things I would never forget. I felt... emotionless, as if there was a void in me, I did whatever it took to survive. So when Viktor said to kidnap you in order to restore what he lost, along with getting payback for the life I've had, I took it. I saw it as an opportunity, to better my future... but when I realized his true intentions—to kill you and Kylo—I knew it was wrong, I felt it in my heart... I guess you could say I felt it in the Force-" He lightly chuckled.

"But I knew it was something I would never succumb to—killing those who have done wrong. I would never become less of the First Order, even if that meant ending a war by killing their commander. I couldn't do it, I wouldn't do it. It's wrong. It's downright inhumane, and it's evil. I'm not evil, if surviving is evil, then every living creature is evil." Nodding your head, Alastair released a sigh.

"You did what was right."

"I did what was right, trying to save you—protecting you—although I failed you... I'm sorry. I never wanted Viktor to harm you, it hurt me more waking up to see you injured than to see Kali dead. Is that wrong?" He sincerely asked, only making you trail your eyes down the ground. He preferred your life—a woman he had just met—over another woman who had practically taken the roll of his sister. How were you supposed to respond to that?

"It depends on where you stand... I guess you saw something more in me than you had ever seen in her..." Looking back up to him, he slightly nodded, looking elsewhere.