Soul Mate | Kylo Ren x Reader

18 | Firsts

There was one thing that Ben solo—Kylo Ren—never did, and that was lie, and when he did lie...you could tell.

But now, the moment those words left his mouth and the sudden change in tone when he said 'loving', it was clear he wasn't lying.

And that made you gulp.

Kylo admitted he knew he would never stop loving you, but did he? Did he ever have a moment that he didn't love you? Was there a moment the dark side had blinded him to a point where he had forgotten what love even was?

It was hard to tell when this situation was still quite fresh. After all, you two hadn't had a proper conversation until now.

"Did you?" Your voice cracked as you felt your hands slightly tremble. "Did you ever stop loving me?" Taking a single step closer, a very minuscule one, your feet fell frozen as you waited for a response—watching his nervous antic cease as his palms slowly found their way lying flat against his forehead.

Hearing a low exhale, a single word left Kylo's parted lips. "No..."

No.

An instant burst of grief filled through your heart.

No.

He hadn't stopped loving you for over a decade... over ten years. It felt as if it were unbelievable, that he hadn't let go of the feelings, yet it was believable because when you two were together, he—without a doubt—loved you with every inch of his dying heart.

Knowing that he possibly still felt that way towards you only made you melt, your heart stopping at the sudden realization—he suffered this entire time knowing you had felt nothing for him.

How did he do it? Did he use that pain as something to strengthen the hate in him? To make him an irritable person?

Maybe that's why he seemed so unrecognizable before—even though you remembered meeting him a few times before.

Did he use suffering as an excuse to help him fully turn to the dark side?

You hoped—prayed—that he didn't, because that would only make matters far more worse than they were now.

"Y-you suffered..." Swallowing your heart that was now lodged up in your throat, you took yet another small step towards him. "You... you suffered? All along? You knew I didn't love you back, how could I? Yet, you... you still loved me for over ten years?" Blinking, you felt tears prick your eyes, your heart ached from how terrible you felt. "Why would you do that to yourself?" With a slight tilt in your head and the furrow of your eyebrows, Kylo could feel your worry radiate off of you and emit onto him.

"Because I needed to remember what we had, Y/N," Standing up from his spot as he finally found the courage to look back at you, he took in a deep breath. "I needed to remember that even in the days that awaited the darkness, I had someone who loved me—not in a way a mother or father... or even an uncle would—but as an actual lover would. I couldn't forget the way you made me feel, the memories we shared, the way that being with you made me forget the darkness that was slowly creeping up on me. I needed to keep it all, because even though this is the path I chose, I needed to remember what—who—was my weakness."

Watching his chest rise and fall rather quickly, you felt your breathing deepen as tears began pooling up in his own eyes. You were speechless, what you had learned lurked in the back of your mind, still processing.

Weakness, you were his weakness and he had to remember that.

Why? Was it because he knew he'd have to rid his weaknesses... after all, he did kill his father.