I'm afraid to love you back...

Chapter 14

Chapter fourteen

I don't know if he realizes how hard those words hit. He doesn't let me escape as arms as he turns the tv on and picks a random comedy on Netflix. I was practically gasping from guilt and not being able to move is almost killing me.

He watches the movie with joy in his eyes and his arms around me protectively. I swallow quickly before speaking, "Josh I h-have to go to the bathroom."

He gives me a weird look before nodding and letting me go. He must be wondering why my voice shook. I shakily stumble to his bathroom and almost collapse against the counter. I put a hand over my mouth to stop a sob. My heart was beating fast and my breaths were heavy. I needed something to help me calm down. I didn't want him to see me this way.

I stare at myself in the mirror. The dark haired girl and the dark dull eyes. The bruises and scars. I quickly and quietly dig through his drawers until I find what I'm looking for.

I don't cut often and when I do it is only because I need to feel some other pain. Feeling the pain my dad puts me through or the guilt is worse than anything I could ever feel. I hate it. I hate that I have to mark my own skin because I'm such a terrible person. If Camille found out...

One two three. That is all it takes to calm my breathing. I exhale slowly at the stinging. I quickly clean up and flush the toilet. I rinse my arms off and the blood down the drain before carefully wrapping it with toilet paper until I could get home. I pull my large sleeves around the makeshift wrapping and open the door. He barely even looks from the tv.

"I am going home," I say and he snaps his gaze back to me. He is suddenly standing and coming near me.

"Why?" He asks and I back up to the wall suddenly very nervous. He doesn't back off but comes toward me a look in his eyes I can't really identify.

"I-I need to do homework," I say not looking at him. My eyes are cast low and my head turned. He has pain in his eyes now.

"Why is there blood on your face?" He asks quietly taking a finger across my chin.

"One of my cuts opened," I murmur still not meeting his eyes. He takes my hand gently and lifts it towards him. He gently pulls the sleeve away revealing the bloody toilet paper. I don't look at him as he unwraps it too ashamed of what I had just done.

"George..." His voice sounded so heartbroken I feel tears start to form. He pulls me into a hug and holds me as I silently cry. I have not outright cried in a long time.

"I'm sorry," I mutter and he pulls me to the bed where he examines the three fresh cuts. I can sense his anger but he knows that I needed him to keep me from breaking down again.

"Why?" He asks and I finally lose hold on everything I've been keeping inside. I spill. Every last bit of it. I tell him what I did to my mom and why my dad is beating me. I tell him of the money I'm slowly losing. I tell him of everything.

"I killed her. I am a murderer," I conclude through sobs that rack my body. Throughout my talk he has re-wrapped my arm properly. It stung a little but I was not going to complain because I did it to myself.

"George..." He says again and pulls me into a hug his own eyes filled with tears, "I am so sorry. I didn't know."

"And you shouldn't. Josh I hurt everyone I get close to. I need to get away-," he interrupts me by kissing me gently.

When he pulls away he looked me directly in the eyes, "You are not a murderer. What you did was an accident. Everyone makes mistakes and we all have to learn to live with them. I don't want you to think that you are going to hurt me because I don't want you to leave. George I need you by my side."

He says all this as he rubs my arm gently. It doesn't hurt but it does take some of the pain away in it. My sprained wrist is the one I cut and it was sore from both injuries.

"Please don't tell Camille. Please don't tell anyone," I tell him quietly and he nods in understanding. He looks sad still but determined as he pulls back and looks at me again.

"Promise me you won't do this again. If you feel like doing it again please just call me. We have an extra flip phone down stairs that I want you to take with you. Please George it hurt seeing..." He doesn't finish.