I'm afraid to love you back...

Chapter 19

Chapter nineteen

I prepare for the pain but instead I'm on the floor next to my sister's body. The only pain I felt was a small one in my shoulder. I look at whoever tackled me afraid that they got shot but Josh seemed to be fine.

"Stay down," he tells me as guns begin to go off. I stay silent as he covers my body with his.

As the gunfire stops we both look up carefully. I was soaked in both Camille's blood and my own. My shoulder is sore but the only thing I could feel was the realization that Camille is dead.

"Are you two okay?" An officer comes towards us her voice kind. I nod shakily and look back down at my sister. She looked so peaceful laying there. Josh's arms wrapped around me and together we silently watch her. I wanted her to move so badly. To yell at me for trying to kill myself. I could assure her that now, even with the rocking knowledge of her death, I would never try it again. I had been asleep for so long and now I was finally awake. I wasn't in denial and I wasn't trying to stop myself from thinking about mom's death. I know it was my fault but I know that she has forgiven me. I know that it was just a mistake.  

"We're fine thank you," Josh takes lead and pulls me up. He doesn't let me go and I don't want him to. I need his comfort right now. I am not afraid to rely on him for this. He saved my life twice today.

"We need to get her to the hospital. It looks like the bullet skimmed her shoulder," another cop says. He smiles at me and I look at my bloody shoulder. As I see the wound the pain starts and I cringe a little. Josh nods.

"Definitely," he says and leads me out the door.

We get in a cop car and silently we are driven to the hospital where Dr. Morris checks me in. I warn him of Dan and tell him what happened last time I was here. He nodded in understanding.

"I apologize for our lack of security. It should have never happened," he says, "Can you tell me now what happened? I assure you that there are two cops standing outside this door and many more throughout the hospital to ensure your safety."

So I begin. I was tired of being afraid even if Pat and Dan were both still out there, "About ten years ago my mom and I were in the car late at night. I had been at a sleepover that she told me I wouldn't be able to stay at. I had trouble sleeping. I still do. She was arguing with me about it and I hit her arm while we were crossing a bridge. She died on top of me. My dad was infuriated that I killed her. It was always my fault and I don't want to deny it anymore. He started drinking and found his new fun while beating me. I paid the bills and ran the house with the money left in the bank account and the money I could pick up from doing jobs for our neighbors and when I got old enough from my job at the gas station. Luckily I didn't grow much so I didn't need to but too much clothes or anything.

"I eventually met josh and he began to wake me up but it's like one of those days where you know you should get up but you just can't and you give into the temptation of sleep. Every Time I began to trust him I pushed him away. I met Sam and Kyle and had fun until the other night. Dan and Pat raped me and I think it almost put me in a coma figuratively. I almost killed myself today. Sometimes when you feel pain it's what you need to wake you up. It's unbearable thinking about how you're going to kill yourself," I swallow lean into Josh who holds me up right. He had a frown on his face but I knew he wasn't judging me. He was just trying to comprehend it all.

"And now you think you are awake?" Dr. Morris says. I nod.

"I might have felt things before but it didn't matter to me. It didn't matter that I felt pain or that I was depressed. Now it matters. It matters that I can't exactly grasp that Camille is dead. It matters that my shoulder stings even after you've stitched it up. I finally get that I matter," He watched me for a few seconds.

"I was considering putting you on suicide watch but I will compromise with you," he says looking from both me to Josh, "I want you to attend therapy once a week. The death of your sister isn't going to be easy on you and after what you've been through it is going to be a hard recovery mentally. I also want to put a police detail on you until Pat and Dan are captured. Are these all agreeable?"

"Where will I be living?" I ask and he nods.

"Josh's mother has offered to take you in until you graduate," Josh grins down at me and I nod. He kisses the top of my head.

"Also I want you to go to the nurse at your school daily. What I heard was that was how things were happening before everything went a little haywire?" I nod, "Ok good. I'll leave you guys to wait for the food. I'd like to keep you here overnight Georgia if you don't mind. I want to monitor some of your injuries and be sure that your stitches don't start hurting."

"Can Josh stay with me?" I ask my voice a little shaky. I was finally getting tired. Everything was beginning to catch up with me.

"Sure. I'll let you be now," he shakes Josh's hand and then mine and leaves the room. Josh and I sat on the bed and he had himself wrapped around me.

"I'm really sorry. I'm sorry for pushing you away and-," he presses his lips to shut me up.

"I don't want you to feel sorry for anything. You never did anything. From here on out everything that happened before doesn't matter. We can remember it but we can't let it affect us anymore. Your father is dead and you are finally free," he says placing his forehead on mine. My heart swells. I let him drift away and now he's suggesting it doesn't matter. I wouldn't let myself feel completely for him and now I can.

"I don't deserve you," I mutter and kiss him again. He holds me and we just sit while we wait.

Sam and Kyle come to visit us around nine that night. Sam was in tears. She kept on telling me how sorry she was Camille was gone. Kyle was just here for support. I guess Sam broke up with her boyfriend a while ago and I think the two of them were together. It wouldn't surprise me

After they leave Jacky comes in. She was smiling at me and congratulating me on getting through it all. She still teared up when she said she was sorry for Camille. This past month that Camille has lived with her and I think she became like a second daughter to her. Amy was just as upset.

"Can I talk to Georgia Josh?" Jacky says looking at her son and her daughter. They stand and leave. Jackey turns to me, "Are you okay? I know sometimes it takes a while to feel safe. I want you to know that my family is here for you. Josh loves you and Amy will be a sister to you. God we are all going to miss Camille though. I'm so sorry."

"I can't really feel it quite yet," I tell her honestly. I could trust her, "I'm not sure how to feel honestly. I already feel the absence but..."

"What Georgia? You need to be honest."

"I almost feel like I don't know her," my eyes tear up and she hugs me avoiding my bad arm, "I spent almost all of her life in a slumber that hurt her so much. She hated that I was numb to everything and I couldn't see it. I was supposed to protect her."

"Oh honey," she rubs my back lovingly, "Camille loved you in every way possible. She was scared for you. She understood that you were in pain. You knew her even if you couldn't exactly comprehend it."

"I felt like I was helping her," I whisper and she nods.

"I know. And you did. You kept her from getting any of it. You were her hero. She looked up to you and admired you. She died protecting you and I believe that is exactly how she would have wanted to leave," she smiles through tear filled eyes, "I'm going to let Josh back in."

I nod and she walks to the door, "Come on Josh. It's your turn."

I close my eyes to contain the tears but when I feel his arms wrap tightly around me I break down and sob into his shoulder. He says nothing just holds me.

"I know," he says when I finally calm down. He crawls into the bed next to me.

"Do you know if Camille forgave me? Did you ever talk to her?" I ask when I controlled my breathing a little more.

"Camille loved you baby girl," he whispers placing a kiss on my forehead. I knew then that he would alway be there for me.