Crash

69: Just a few more days

Nathan-

Why, why, why did she have to go? I know I want her to get on with her life and find better but I can't help but be selfish.

I want my Jay back. I need her with me. Do you know how hard it is to go to sleep at night? It's been a week and I'm practically dying here. At least it felt like that, especially when I could get closer to her in my daydreams, just for her to be ripped away.

Sometimes it wouldn't be until late when I could fall asleep out of exhaustion. And then I'd just dream about her when we were together. Last nights dream was when we were swimming, when it was warm and nice. We were in the valley.

I almost got to kiss her. I was so close. But then I was woken up and the warmth and valley were gone...along with Lyra.

Sometimes I didn't sleep, the dreams were torturous. Nightmares of the bear and me not getting to her in time. Dreams of my Jay with me only to have her torn away when I awoke. Both were equally painful. No wonder my friends thought I was acting strange, I was falling apart pathetically. But I couldn't help it.

The guys just said to go back to normal life, but for a huge chunk of time, Lyra was my normal life. She was always there, saying good morning or singing. God her singing.

I missed her voice. Calls didn't help. That was just a reminder of how far away she was. It was the usual ,"I miss you," "I wish you were here," things that we'd say, but it didn't feel real enough.

There is some good news I guess. I have a niece named Amy May Wesley now. Her initials are AMW. I told Jake that if her first name was Bell, we could call her BMW like the soda or the car.

She's was the most precious thing in my brothers life now. It hurt to watch it though. I was happy for him, don't get me wrong, but it killed me every time he and Maggie would look lovingly at each other. It was like looking through the window of a dream I wanted but being locked out. 

Amy was a new part of their lives and she was cute and all. But all I could think when I looked at her and my brother was that could be you and Lyra but you let her go.

You could have a wife but you let her go.

You could have a family but you let her go.

You could have the one girl that makes you feel on top of the world, but you let her go.

I just had to keep telling myself that she could do better. She's going to go fulfill her dream, graduate from college and find the place she'll call home. I'm going to be here on the ranch until I die. That's great.

Bow walked into the living room, "Hey man."

"Hey," I mumbled, staring at the Tv but not really watching.

"You want to go to the bar for a little bit? Have some fun? Kim could bring one of her friends," He bumped my shoulder suggestively. 

I was never going to do what he was implying. I couldn't even look at another girl without thinking of Lyra.

I shook my head, "No, but you should go."

"This ain't right man..." He sighed and got up. What isn't right? Lyra may be states away from me but I still consider her my girlfriend. I still love her.

I watched him go and looked back at the Tv. Mom wandered into the living room, "Hey hon, what do you want for dinner?"

"I don't care," I shrugged, not looking at her. She was quiet and then went back into the kitchen.

I looked at the clock and watched the hands tick slowly. Why did it feel like everyday was so much longer when Lyra wasn't here. I know what a long day feels like. It now felt like it was two days mashed together that I had to wait for to be over. But I always looked forward to six o'clock.