I'm hearing things // phan

Hospitals make me sick

Phils POV
My boyfriend tried to kill himself because he thought that I got sick of him, because no one would care if he died. I don't care if he fucking stabbed me I would still love him. I was crying the entire time, I was sitting by Dans bed, he was sleeping peacefully. I stroked his face and started sobbing heavily again. I was staring down at my shaking hands,
"phil?" A quiet, familiar voice said. I looked up at Dan and smiled while sobbing,
"Thank god you're alright."
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Phil, this wasn't fair. I can't stand seeing you cry."
"Dan, I try so hard to make you smile. When you cry I feel the same way, if I hadn't gotten to you, if that cap was easy to get off. You would've been dead, my angel, the only person that's made me happy in years, would've been dead. Thank god you're alive, I love you so much." I hugged him as tight as I could. He hugged me back crying softly in my shoulder. He kissed me and played with my hair,
"I promise I'll make it up to you, I promise." He said when we pulled apart, at that exact moment his mother knocked. When she saw him, she started crying and smiling at the same time. She ran over to him and wrapped her arms around him,
"Dan Howell, please, please, don't ever do that again,"She stroked the back of his head, "you're my oldest, my saviour, my hero, I need you Dan." She cried in his shoulder. Alexa and Adrian came in. I was still holding one of his hands. Tracing patterns with my thumb on the back of his hand.
"Dan? WHAT THE HELL!" Adrian screamed at the top of his lungs, Alexa ran over to me and hugged me. Like she was scared of a 13 year old. Although I've also seen what Dan can do when he gets really angry. "YOURE SO SELFISH! WE JUST LOST DAD DO YOU THINK LOSING YOU WOULD MAKE US FEEL BETTER? YOURE A BRAT! A STUPID SELFISH BRAT!" He looked at me with rage, "NEXT TIME DONT SAVE HIM!" He came over to a shocked Dan and was about to hit him, until i I grabbed his fist, twisted his arm, and pushed him into asa wall.
"Don't lay a finger on him. I'm sorry Dan." I looked at Dan, who wasn't blinking, he was just staring shocked, I couldn't tell if his eyes were watering or if he was crying. "Dan, Dan, baby?" I grabbed his face and he finally snapped out of it.
"Where am I? Phil where are we?"
"The hospital."
"Wh- oh." The nurse walked in,
"Hi Which one of you spends the most time with Dan?" I lifted my hand. "Phil correct?"
"Yeah."
"Well you and Mrs Howell should come outside for a minute." We walked out with her, "Dan will be experiencing these black outs and panic attacks over the next I'd say 2 weeks. Dan will need to go to therapy twice every week for a month, Tuesday is group therapy, Thursday is private. He may bring a guest for support. He will be taking anti -depressants for two months, you may stop earlier if his condition improves. His body will grow to take up an immunity to pills if his condition improves and you still give in to him. Dan will be ok, just give him a lot of love and a lot of attention Phil. He shouldn't be going to school for about a week. Is there anyone he can stay with."
"Me, I'll skip the last week of school. I'll stay with Dan. Julia you have work I have 5 days of probably nothing remotely important."
"Ok."

-----this is really fucking hard to write I recently lost a really good friend to suicide-----

I am trying so hard to get Dan to laugh and its not working. He's grieving, self-loathing, and he's super sad all the time. Except for right now. We were just cuddling, spooning, and I was saying stupid puns in his ear when he laughed, a real, genuine laugh. I smiled brightly and he turned to face me.
"I'm sorry we haven't done much fun stuff lately."
"It's fine baby I'll always be here."
"I am the most fucked up person you will ever meet. Why do you love someone so damaged?"
"Because past the scars and regrets I see the real you, not what's holding you back. The real you is beautiful, the real you is perfect. I love all of you though. I love seeing the faded scars because I know that I helped you stop. I love everything about you, I just want to get rid of the sadness holding you back." He smiled then rolled on top of me. We started kissing heavily. I gripped his thighs and he slid his hands down to my stomach. He was kissing down my neck leaving visible hickeys. Luckily even through the grief, all his siblings were at school and his mum was at work.

-----Dans POV-----

It's been 3 days since I was released from the hospital. I just woke up, soar and warm. I was lying half on top of Phil half  on the bed. Phil was clearly already awake as I felt him playing with my hair.
"Morning love."
"Morning bear." He kissed the top of my head, "You have therapy today."
"Your coming."
"Of course beautiful."
"Do I have to go?"
"Yes. Also you need to take your pills now." He sat up the half on him fell in defeat. He grabbed a glass of water and two anti-depressants.
"Fuck." I swallowed the first pill and downed some of the water. "I hate swallowing pills."
"Only until you get better."
"I'm fine." No, no I'm really not but I don't want to swallow another one of those pills.
"No you're not, you know you're not."
"Ugh." I choked down the other pill. "I don't want to take them anymore. I don't want to go to therapy."
"I know you don't want to but you need to."
"No I don't. I'll be fine. I'm not dead, I'm not getting better."
"Yes you are you are making so much progress!"
"Fine, fine, fine." We both got dressed and went to the first therapy session, group. Phil knocked on the door and a nice man invited us in,
"Hello you must be Dan." He shook my hand, "and you?"
"I'm Phil, his boyfriend." Phil shook his hand,
"You got quite a grip Phil."
"Thank you." He walked over to me and slid his arm around my waist protectively. We walked over to the circle of chairs and took the two side by side,
"Dan care to introduce yourself and your guest?" I stood,
"Hi I'm Dan, this is boyfriend Phil."
"Hi Dan, hi Phil." The group said as one. I didn't think people actually did that. He advisor looked at Dan and he sighed,
"Dan, why don't you tell the group the situation you were in not to long ago?"
"Rather not."
"Dan the only way to get better is to open up."
"Fine. If it will get you off my case. I've been required to take 6 anti-depressants daily for two months, go to therapy twice a week for a month, and I have to have someone with me at all times luckily it's my boyfriend."
"And why were you in this situation?"
"I uh I tried uh actually I don't want to tell."
"Dan people could learn from you."
"I tried committing suicide." Dan looked down at the ground, then started biting his nails.
"How did you feel after? Why did you decide that was the only way out? What drove you to do it? Do you regret it?"
"1. I never swallowed the pills, Phil came in and the ambulance took me away, 2. I thought even through the happiness he brought me I would be able to get rid of the sadness underneath my smile, 3. My father died, a person I looked up too died. My entire family was sad, Phil was sad that I was sad, I thought I'd save everyone the trouble. Lastly, yes I do. I regret seeing the people I love sad because I tried taking my own life. I didn't realize how much I liked it when Phil made me smile."
"That's really sweet," a girl with blue straight hair said staring at her broken cell phone, "I have anger issues so no one really wants me around. I tried committing suicide last week. I drank bleach, my mum came in and could smell my breath, she rushed me to the hospital and I was saved. Anyway now that you know my sob story, I'm Riko. I recognize you two. Ever been famous?" She was still staring down at her phone.
"Oh yeah there was a video posted on the Internet that the entire school saw." I stared at Phil and shrugged, "what do we have to lose?" I whispered to him. He nodded and I waved my hand through my hair,
"If you don't mind me asking, What was the video of?" A boy with green eyes and brown curly hair asked,
"Us. Having sex."
"Wow rough man, I'm sorry. I'm PJ, my mother found my scars and sent me here to get better. Everyday is like a battleground. Everyone making fun of my sexuality, height, some people have even called me anorexic on multiple occasions." He was skinny but not that skinny,
"I'm um Kira, I have anorexia nervosa and bulimia. I weigh 97 pounds and the nurses are surprised I can still walk." I looked over at Kira and she was wearing a black long sleeve that didn't fit her properly, with a little black skirt that made her thigh gap very visible. "I started starving myself when I was 12 and I never ate unless it was at the hospital where they practically forced food down my throat. I started being bulimic when I was 13 and broke down, I ate so much food that day. So I threw up when I got home, until everything was out of my system. I've been to the hospital countless times. Until I almost died. That's going to hopefully be the last time I ever go. My dads actually taking me to grab a full course lobster dinner this weekend." I felt bad and Phil looked like he did too,
"Do you want to grab a burger with us after?"
"That sounds really nice, yes I would." She smiled brightly at us and we returned the favour. I'm actually really liking this group.