I'm hearing things // phan

I thought it would be the last

Dans POV
It was the first cigarette I had since I met Phil. Phil the name that I used mostly in love, in lust, only once had I used it in disgust, this makes the second time. Calum, the name I only thought of in disgust, today I loathed it. Today I have been abandoned by my own sprit, by my own trust. Today I've been betrayed. Phil said he was going out with Carrie for coffee. I was busy so I couldn't go. I finished up smoothly, quickly, loathing the period of fun I was missing with the two. I walked down the cold streets of London into the coffe shop, the warmness of the place engulfed me in happiness until it was a whole different feeling. A feeling of something being, wrong. I looked around the tables and saw Phil, I expected to see Carrie beside him but it wasn't. It was the person I so loathed, the only person who could break the engagement, I saw Calum. Vomit rushed up my throat but I swallowed it tasting the vile liquid would just make this situation worse. I marched my way through people, until I reached the table. They were too caught up in what they were doing, kissing, to notice poor old me. I felt broken.
"P-Phil?" I said coldly, my voice clearly shaky, showing I was near tears. He turned toward me and glared.
"I'd say I'm sorry but I'm not. I'm quite the opposite actually, I almost laughed out Loud when you thought my 'I love yous' meant something. You think I could ever love someone so unpure unclean unnecessary?"
"N-no, this, you're vile."
"Sadly that's the way the world works. Can I have your ring?" I slipped the piece of metal of my finger and threw it on the table. He turned to the boy toy and slid it on his finger. Everyone clapped, cheered. I screamed, a vile, ear piercing scream.
-
I woke to my own scream and Phil trying to wake me. I was covered in blood sweat and tears. My clothing stuck to my body like glue. I looked at my hands which were mostly covered in blood. I heard the ringing in the back of my head. "unpure unclean unnecessary." The voice says. I look beside me to the love of my life. He cups my face and lays a gentle kiss on my forehead.
"I'm unpure I'm unclean I'm unnecessary." I say smiling.
"No baby you're pure, you're clean, you're necessary." Phil says lifting me up. My knees wobble, I can barely stand. We slowly walk to a bathroom with Phil whispering, 'It's all alright, I love you.' He knows why I have these dreams, I know he feels guilty, I know he loves me, I know he didn't mean anything to Phil. I know these things. But my mind is gone it's just a wandering nightmare. It's a title wave up there, of anti-depressants and encouragement. I always get my mind back though. When I take my pills. I don't have to take them as often you know? Only every 3 days. My condition has gotten much better Phil always says. I used to have a nightmare every single night but now it's only about once every two months. Still dangerous. Still frightening. It scares Phil too, he thinks one day I'll claw right through my skull. How silly. I'm now In warm water. It feels nice. I dunk my head under and pull it back up. I look down and giggle at the blood. The blood from my skull. Phils sitting by the bath smiling at me, he's crying. Crying because my head has a few cuts or maybe it's because I'm laughing at it, I'm laughing at the blood. That must be where it all came from. All the blood is skull blood, creepy. Why am I laughing? Hell I wish I knew, my minds gone, nothing in the puzzle quite fits, a 2 year old is slowly feeding all the pieces to the garbage. I'm gonna die from this, I know I won't live long. The doctors said I'm fine, but the only thing that knows the truth is my body, and my body tells me that I will never get better. I will always be the broken boy that hears things. And that's when my mind comes back, it always does.

-----

I woke up the next morning with a pounding headache and damp hair. I was in our bed. I tried to move but the grip on waist just got tighter. I laughed and out of nowhere I was flipped tossed and thrown until a black haired boy was on top of me. He kissed me passionately, not with lust, but with happiness and love. I laughed and he smiled at my own,
"Your smile is perfect."
"Thank you."
"Not he right time I know but I need to tell you something."
"You're gay?"
"Well yea bu-"
"Oh honey how could you?! You know how I feel about gays!"
"You love them?" I giggled at him.
"Well yea. Anyway what did you want to say?"
"It happened again last night Dan."
"It's been 4 months, I thought in was over with."
"You passed out in the bath last night." He said rolling off me,
"Why was I in the bath?"
"To clean off the blood. You ripped through your scalp last night, only a little so you'll be fine. Your head leaked so it got on your hands, your clothes, it got everywhere. You woke up screaming and I cleaned off the blood the sweat and the tears." I pulled my left hand up to my face.
"Hey Phil?"
"Yah?"
"Why do you even love someone as broken as I am? Someone so fucked up and useless. How do you love me? I don't understand, I hate me."
"I love everything about you, your hair your eyes, that beautiful smile, your music, your posture, your walk, your legs, your thighs, your stomach, I love your everything Dan. Even though I wish they weren't there, I love your insecurities. I love your over protectiveness, I love your happiness. Your joy, brings me joy. Because I love you. And I know that you love me, without all our love there would be nothing. But with all of our love, with all of the passion, we have created an amazing relationship, we've created a home within our love. Some say home is where the heart Is, i think, home is wherever you are." I was shocked with his response and I stood there speechless. I repeat he said all those nice things about me and I was too shocked to even say thank you. So I showed my gratitude differently. As Barney Stinson would say, 'Sex is Fun.'