Being Anna Marie

Being Anna Marie part 18

The sun stroked the skin my white tank did not cover, my curls drifting in the gust of air as fingers numbly gripped the railing of a balcony that held such tragic memories for me. My golden gaze took in the vast acres of forestry before the brilliance of the start of day like the beginning of not only a gorgeous morning but the initiation of a new start for me, as if a clean slate. I felt as if I was cleansed; unsoiled of pass transgressions, of horror filled memories that once clung to be me like sin to the sinner, and yet to put to bed the past felt as if to deny that it ever existed. To forget those who fought; who sacrificed to award me this small morsel of freedom and to do that felt like a betrayal of sorts.

For to completely let go of the past meant to let go of Andrea which was something I would never be able to do.

My jean clad legs shifted as I allowed my feet to be free of my sandals loving the feel of the cold cement under bare skin as earth slowly warmed under the sun’s embrace and my thoughts resumed in its thinking of how drastically my life had changed and how much further I would have to go. Once guilty of nothing more than the blind innocence of youth my eyes were now ripped open to see not just a cruel world but a sinister one; blemished in a way I never would have imagined. It seemed I’d never have the blessing of unawareness, that my destiny had always been beyond that of normal teenage ignorance, and rather I wanted to accept it or not it would forever plague my every waking moment.

Although my small amount of lack of restrictions my conversation with Christopher awarded me I still felt imprisoned and I wondered even once I finally put this place in the rearview mirror would I find myself inwardly caged. For guilt like an enemy I couldn’t seem to ever completely escape always seemed to rob me of my composure, haunt even my most peaceful of moments. Tears unbeknownst to me tipped over the edge of sight creeping down the length of my skin as if in an attempt to fill the massive hole always imprinted inside my heart. My hands shook even as my grip tightened around the black steel as droplets splashed onto tanned skin and shoulders shook as the beauty of the coming of day washed away, liquefied forever in ashamed tears.

“Are you oka-,” a stranger’s voice interrupted my desolate thoughts as its sound rung out into the silence, his hand gently gripped my naked shoulder just as my gaze became sightless and teenage hands I once gazed upon became that of a juvenile as unprepared I was yanked forcibly from the solitude of the balcony and tossed harshly into reminiscences...

Sobs racked my diminutive form, my two pigtails; curls bursting from their elastic confinements spilled over my small arms as I buried my tragic face into my jean clothed legs as if emotions hidden were no longer felt.

“Anna, what are you doing out here? Are you okay?” A voice suddenly said beside me, my golden gaze quickly leaving its place of concealment to rise to meet beautiful chocolate coated irises. Eyes full of compassion when faced with my frowning chubby cheeked expression, his hands running roughly through his brown untamed loose curls as if my tears rattled him, as if my sadness mattered.

“Gabe, what are you doing here? I thought you left with your friends,” I muttered, my sight falling to the loose string of my shoe as it dangled in suspended air from the branch of the tree we rested in. I hadn’t even heard him climb beside me.

“I believe I asked you the same thing, and you are my friend,” he replied easily, that smile that always forced the appearance of my own sneaking its way upon his full lips as he purposely kicked his longer legs into mine. Even two years older than me he always treated me no different than someone his own age.

“Nothing’s wrong,” I lied trying to not appear the cry baby Andrea’s friends always claimed me to be.

His hands grasped mine inside his, warmth filling me not just from the actual physical contact but from inside my small heart. “Why is it I don’t believe you?”