Being Anna Marie

Darkness encircled us with only small glimpses of light just waiting idly by to be extinguished in the dank vast empty halls. My body was motionless against my own accord; I could feel the wind kiss my face, the smell of decay filling my nostrils. My eyes repeatedly fought to remain open but as if with a force of their own they closed against my will, seeming to roll further back behind my lids.

I hated it when they drugged me.

The idea of having a complete and utter lack of control over my own body scared the hell out of me.

“Who do we have here?”

“Girl, age sixteen. The chart says her name is Anna Marie Cortez. Was just transferred here from Greenwich.”

My body felt as if it was rendered useless and yet my mind wide awake. It was unknown to me if many people once sedated were reduced to this physical vegetative state. All I knew was it made me feel weak, defenseless, vulnerable to my worst fear; the darkness. And what I hated most about my altered state was that it forced me to confront the one thing I couldn’t seem to escape….. my memories………

“Can you please state your name for the court?” the prosecutor asked although in a tone that was far from a question.

My heart beat an erratic rhythm inside my chest, my brown eyes wide with fear, swimming with tears waiting to fall down my wobbling chin. “An- Anna Marie Cortez”, I stumbled in a voice no louder than a whisper.

He smirked, no doubt seeing me as easy prey. “You shall have to speak louder than that to be heard across the court room.”

“Anna Marie Cortez.”

My eyes wandered over the crowded room searching frantically through the sea of faces for one person, for one person who had not already deemed me guilty. My eyes fell to my hands, hands knotted together inside my lap, trying to keep hidden the relentless shaking that had begun from within. Something made me look up, my black curls falling back to frame my heart shaped face, my gaze landing on identical brown eyes of my mothers.

She sat with my step father and older step sister directly behind the prosecutor’s chair, an action that alone spoke volumes on her conviction of my innocence, and that hurt far worse than the other hundreds who had already labeled me guilty.

Our eyes met and held. Mine full of tears unshed silently begging her to believe in me while hers held nothing but shame. Shame that I was her daughter, shame that she was in any way connected to the monster she assumed I was.

“Do you recall the events that happened on September 22, 2011?”

“Ye- yes.”

He paused for dramatic effect to glance around the court room. “That’s odd because you told the police you couldn’t remember everything that happened that night.”

My heart dropped inside me chest. Oh great he was going to twist around everything I said. “I don’t remember everything.”

“Oh, so once again your story has changed.”

“No, I-.”

“Please Miss Cortez tell us what it is you do remember then.”

“I – I was supposed to go with my sister Andrea and my dad o-out to dinner that night, but I failed my chemistry test and so my mom and step dad said I had to stay home and babysit Courtney while they went to a benefit dinner.”

“And were you angry with your parents for sticking you with your baby sister while everyone else got to go out?”

“No, I mean this wasn’t the first time I’ve had to babysit.”