Random Crazy Stuff (Middle School Years) (COMPLETED)

i'm gonna try

ok so. this is actually gonna be a serious chapter so please take it seriously.

what am i supposed to do if a very very close friend of mine starts to contemplate suicide? i mean i know i'm supposed to encourage them not to, but what if i say the wrong thing? what if i screw up? what if i just act like a total ass? what if they refuse to accept my encouragings and they just ignore me? what if i just fuck it all over and i end up being the reason? what if...

the thing is, i've just been kinda confused lately. i've had a pretty bad time these past few days and i don't know why. i've suddenly become extremely sensitive and i no longer feel like talking to people for fear of screwing up and making myself look like an idiot, of driving people away. i don't want this and i've been refraining from telling people because i feel like it's anxiety or some shit, and it'll be so obvious and they'll just say "you dumbass its xxx" or whatever. but i also don't want to say that it is, because i'm scared that people will say "you dumbass it's not xxx." i'm an idiot either way.

so how am i supposed to use my shitty useless mind to try and come up with a good way to tell someone they matter when i don't feel like i come close to it? how am i supposed to tell someone that they are loved when i can't even convince myself that my friends aren't trying to push myself away? how can i expect someone to take advice from me when i can't even take a compliment? i know i'm a hypocrite; i believe it's human nature to be one. but when my friends call me out on it, or chastise me for being who i am, it just pushes me further and further. i've already established to myself that i'm not brave/cowardly enough to bring a knife to my skin, let alone completely end my life, so i'm not worried about one day just deciding to end it all. i just, like any other angsty teen, absolutely despise myself. i'm such an ass to everyone i care about, and i'm annoying as hell. i guess that comes from growing up in a private school where all you're doing is hanging out with 19 other kids the whole day. it got very close and personal and now i don't know how to build a wall between my close friends and everyone else. that may be the reason that i have acquaintances in basically every corner of the social polygon. and because of this, i find it hard to hate people which makes it hard to relate to people. my life has just gone so crazy recently and i don't know what to do. i'm honestly quite worried about myself, which brings us back to the first point, how being worried about myself and not knowing how to ask for help leads me to not know how to help. i don't want my close friends to feel like i'm not interested in helping; it's just that i relate too much, so much to the point that i don't know how to help. it doesn't help that my only friends who feel this way live across the fucking country, so, y'know. nEVER GONNA FUCKIN SEE YOU HAHA FUN TIMES.

it's just, i want to help, but when it comes time to, i have absolutely no fucking clue as to how. i just... i don't really want anyone to know what i'm really feeling. i feel like if i do they're gonna see me as an annoying ass who's probably fucked up in the head. no offense. i'm a fucking weirdo.

and great, i have no fucking clue how to end this on a semi-good note. so uh.

fuckin

bye

i guess.