INTRUDER

CLAIRE'S JOURNAL (Bonus Chapter)

Why the heck am I here and not dead yet? I always wondered why people always ask why I did it. They never ask what led up to it. If you knew that, maybe you'd understand a little better.

I should stop talking now.

Today is February and I'm still sitting doing nothing, staring at a white wall with tears streaming down my face. It's so hard when I go to the court and stuff for all the people to be just staring at me. It's not fun. Nor is it when the judge starts blabbing a bunch of words and I'm just sitting there trying not to burst to tears on the floor and melt with sadness and grief and agony.

I did receive Ellie's letter, but I don't want to open it. I'm too scared to. It may be the thing that will make me break and I don't want to break just yet. I miss Ellie so very much and I hope she understands why I did what I did. I know it was horrible what I did, and I regret it with all my heart but it was just one of those "snap" moments gone too far.

I see my face in every freaking newspaper I see, and I guess I like the attention I'm getting. It's not nice attention, but at lest someone knows about me and maybe someone out there in the world is hearing me speak out and say that it's not okay to take matters in your own hands and that if there is everything severe (domestic violence, bullying [of any kind], etc.) you have to talk to someone to get you help. People will always be there for help and I don't want people to commit the same mistake I did and just "snap".

I did like an article released in December after everyone discovered it was me... it was the one on January 23 I think or was it 27. Anyways, I really liked their section about mental illness and stuff. Speaking of mental illness, they have tried to find what exactly I have but they can't pin down one and they think I may have multiple. Borderline Personality Disorder was one of the first few but they went on different ones such as Bipolar Disorder and that is the one they are leaning on the most and they are giving me meds for it. I think it's working. I used to have these moments of insane fury. It was so intense, I would end up on the floor, crying, and hitting it with my hand. Then a few minutes later, it was gone and it seemed as if that "fit" had never even happened in the first place. After taking the meds though, I haven't had any more of those "moments", and I hope not to have them for a long time. They drain out my energy badly.

Right now, Mrs. Luan (my nurse, or whatever she is) is knocking on the door because its's time for meds.

***

UGH! The meds are awful. Anyways, I should introduce you to my cell. It's white. Four white walls. There is one tiny window at the top. I can see the clouds and that's it. But I don't need to see anything else because everyday I usually go for a walk. Usually accompanied by someone, so to make sure I don't get up and run for it. I haven't tried it, but I guess that's what it's for. There is a bed, it has white sheets and it's pretty comfy. I sleep well and do not wake up tired nor droopy. There is a table next to it with a lamp and a classic book, the book is Alice In Wonderland. I have already read it two times. I asked Mrs. Luan for another book, and she said she's gonna run over to the library after her shift and pick her favorite classic book. There is a fluffy carpet and I usually roll around it.... happy, but then two minutes later I start crying. The usual. There does not go a day without me crying for what I have done and for my mother.

I'm not allowed to have any electronics, but it really doesn't matter because I don't like calling or texting anyone really, I would rather talk with them face to face. But that isn't gonna happen any time soon because only "family" can enter to visit me. Johnny and Susanne already did, but they couldn't stay for long. Ellie was with them, but she looked down and the floor. I could tell she was crying, that makes me cry too. Seeing my little pumpkin sad.

Ben has been trying to see me but he couldn't. I don't know where he is now. I want to go back to our friendship. I broke it and I don't blame it if he doesn't forgive me. I lied and we had not lied to each other in 13 years. I can feel the sense of betrayal he may be feeling. He trusted me so much and look what I crumbled. I wish I could just go back, back to the start. I wish none of this would have happened.

But then, at the end of the day, I think to myself. What if this all happened for a reason. They do always say that everything happens for a reason.

So what was the reason for this lying, sadness, anger, betrayal, everything?

Am I just some monster or pure evil.... Am I insane?

One day, when I was taking my daily stroll around the park next to the compound, the man who walks with me says, "What were you thinking when you did that?"

I responded, "I was thinking about my mom... and my sister Ellie. I was thinking about their happiness and freedom. I was thinking about escaping, of being liberated from Garred. He was abusive. But I messed it up, just like I do with everything else in my life."

All he said was, "Oh, I'm sorry," and I could tell he was trying not to cry.

I smiled at him, and went back inside the compound.

I guess I'll have to get used to this life, and I have learned the consequences of what I did. 

Let's see what else life throws at me.