Jesse

4: School, again

4: School, again

 Bright. Blinding. Breaking. Headlights tear through the darkness. Horrifying headlights. Shrill of breaks. A sudden blood-curdling scream. A seven-year-old boy’s scream. Then silence. Consuming, and haunting silence.

 Gasping, and clutching at my chest, I shot up, my eyes flung awake. Crumpling over, heaving, I realized it was only a dream. No. A nightmare. The same fucking nightmare. My past. My past wrapped in deadly shadows.

 I needed out. I needed to get the fuck out of here. Suppressing a moan, I forced my folded arms into my stomach, hugging tightly my shaking sides. My chest was trembling. My heart was screaming. Hammering through my head. I felt the sweat drench my hair, trickle slowly down my face and neck, and then stain the bed sheets.

 I sat up, pouring my eyes through the dusky darkness of this room, and bore them into the wall facing me. I felt the tears come. The tightness of my fists clenched. The sickness of my stomach. Taste the boiling bile in my throat invade the back of my tongue. I felt like I was going to puke.

 “Shane, why can’t you leave me the hell alone!?” I hissed to nobody. To the darkness lurking in my room. To the nothingness sucking out everything within me. Choking me. Here. Alone. My voice broke. “I’m sorry, okay!?...It was all my fault..All my fault.”

 It wasn’t your fault, Jesse. You told him not to go into the road. Don’t worry, it wasn’t your fault. Gerald, Shane’s father, voice faded through my thoughts.

 No matter what he said. It was and would forever be my fucking fault. I had thrown that fucking ball. It was me! If there was any way, I could have taken that moment back—hell, even went for the ball myself, I would have. So why can’t you leave me alone, Shane? Why?

 I bit my lip, and settled uneasily my head back into my pillow, lying down. I needed to get some sleep. Closing my eyes, I tried to forget. Tried to suppress the flashes of that nightmare. Of the same headlights that have haunted me for ten years. Then darkness. Devouring darkness.

 Good morning St. Louis! It’s going to be a beautiful one today. Nothing but blue skies headed our way. Forecast: Sunny, with a high of 78 and a low of 42. Now over the traffic update—

The slamming of my fist against the alarm clock silenced it for good. My eyes were cracked open barely, and I groaned. Another wonderful day of school. Wincing, I eased up, the bed sheets rustling and saw the burning red morning light sparkle through my window, and pooled onto the floor below.

Groggily, I ran a hand through my bedraggled hair, and figured a shower was for the best. I got up and headed slowly, to not trip over anything, to my bathroom.

…

“Remember what I said about today, after school?”

I looked at Harold sitting at the table still eating his Bran cereal, nodding begrudgingly. I nearly swallowed my Strawberry pop-tart whole, standing. “Yep.”

“The money’s on the coffee table.”

I took the last swig of my cup of orange juice, and sat it in the sink to be cleaned later. “Alright, well I guess I’m heading out,” I said, edging toward the living room.

“Don’t do anything stupid with the money. Just groceries.” That was all he said. I didn’t even look back, and walked on.

I saw the three twenty dollar bills laying on the table, and picked them up, pocketing them, before heading to the front door. The door swung, creaking, and slammed behind me as I stepped outside in the bright light, the dew shimmering against the wet grass.