Jesse

40: The Truth

Tom Boy

40: The Truth

            I never knew Jesse that good. I mean I knew a little about him since he brought our drugs and all from Black, and because he lived in our neighborhood. But that not good like I do now. It was funny, well not really, because death is never funny, but I know more about Jesse now, after his death, than before when he was alive. I had no clue about him being…well gay.

            Like being with Ian his neighbor and all. And honestly I could care less. I'm not gay, but I mean how does it hurt me that he likes guys? I mean, well I did look at him differently, wondering what he thought about me, and I realized none of that shit really matters. Who you fucking like shouldn't matter. He had been a good kid. And once I got to know Ian, I figured he was pretty cool too. Not like all that stereotypical shit you think of a gay person being like being all sissy, and girly, and shit—he was as much a guy as I was, I figured out.

            But anyways, Jesse. Even though I hadn't known him all that good, it still hurt to thinking about Jesse being dead. I mean after all he had been a friend. I had even cried dammit. And dying that way…being shot, by J.: it was a lot to take in. Jesse didn’t deserve that. No one did. But, he didn’t especially. I mean seeing him get shot in the chest, falling over, bleeding so much, and feeling so damn helpless, it sort of changes you…Maybe I could have saved him or something if I had done something different.

            I wish I had.

            Things happen for a purpose, I guess.

            Like my own damn brother getting locked up. He had only what? Three months left for possession of marijuana? But I missed him. Our arguments oddly enough. Him being around and all. I wouldn't admit it to Joann, alright maybe her, but not to him. I would keep all this stuff to myself. Nobody else needed to know. And that was that.

            I just wish I had known Jesse better than I did. Now I would never know him, really. But whatever. I guess there was little of Jesse still left in Ian. And his Dad…Shit…I couldn't believe that either. I mean, how could your own father treat you so damn bad! Like beat up you, and try to kill you, like really kill you? It doesn't make any sense to me. That crazy bastard. He deserved getting locked the hell up. What was it? Twenty years? Was that what Jo said? I can't remember, and I don't care. I just wish Jesse didn't have to go through all that shit. He didn't deserve it.

            I mean I got my own problems with my own Pop's being shot through the head by my own fucking mother, and her being locked up for a lifetime. I wasn't even in the house when it happened. Thank God I wasn't. Or maybe I wished I had been. So I could have took that bullet instead. Both me and Seth had been out, and when we come back there he is lying on the floor dead, and my Mom all fucking delirious and drunk in the kitchen. Scared the shit out of us seeing all that damn blood, and…She said he had attacked her, and that she was just defending herself…But she confessed in court saying she had been drunk and he had been too…And they had an argument that ended up…the way it did…I really don't want to think about that anymore…But I have a new life here, moving in with good ol' Jo. I love her.

            She's like a sister I never had. And I know she feels the same way about me. Except I'm sort of like her brother now. It had been tough to begin with, with all the nightmares, and alright maybe me crying here and there, but things were finally getting better. Thing are looking up. And about time.

            That Saturday, Jo and I were talking; I was out of the kitchen and she was still in there, when our front doorbell rang. Curious, I wondered who it could be. Because we weren’t really expecting anyone. Maybe the Ian kid? I didn't know. But I told Jo I would get it. When I opened, it turned out I was wrong, it wasn't Ian. It was Fay.